Opinion: Skin cancer on the rise for American youth
In perhaps the most shocking health report of the decade [not really], melanoma is on the rise, especially in young women. Researchers have affirmed that we can safely blame The Situation and Snooki for this catastrophe. Thanks a lot, The Situation and Snooki.
Melanoma is a type of skin cancer that is characteristically fatal. Although effective treatments for melanoma have been developed over the years, the disease is still associated with the majority of skin cancer deaths.
USA Today ran a story this week describing the dramatic increase of melanoma cases. According to the Mayo Clinic Proceedings, a health journal, melanoma cases have increased eightfold — that’s right, eightfold — among young women younger than 40. Sorry if you’re older than 40, but scientific developments have recently established that people over 40 are totally old.
As for males, The Situations of the tanning beds, their cases of melanoma have increased by only four times. But let’s keep that low number a secret. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.
A hospital in Olmsted County, Minn., has kept records over a 40-year time period [that’s a really long time] of patients getting skin cancer treatment. From 1970 to 2009, skin cancer cases have jumped dramatically at the hospital, notably in the past several years.
Avoid getting melanoma
1. Quit watching “Jersey Shore” — you’ll feel less pressure to get tan if you stop watching all those goofy pseudo-Italians get hammered in hot tubs.
2. Remain indoors at all times and watch “Jersey Shore” — duct tape blankets over all the windows at your place, and enjoy all four seasons of the show — away from the sun!
3. Try a free trial of World of Warcraft — all the addiction stories are myths.
4. Buy an indoor swimming pool — it might hurt your wallet a little bit, but go for it. You won’t miss any outdoor pools afterward.
5. Be happy with who you are, accept your body and convince yourself your gross, un-tan skin is OK for everyone to see. Science has long proven white skin is so not hot, but go ahead and ignore that.
6. Move to Ohio.
7. Date a vampire. So long outdoors, hello sparkles.
8. Start hanging out with 30-year-old bachelors. They don’t leave their apartments unless they have something to do. They don’t, unless you count the grocery store for the weekly beer and candy trip.
9. Get accepted into grad school.
This is one piece of evidence alongside a variety of other studies done across the states that supports the same conclusion. Apparently, we’re going to tanning salons a bit too much, and more people are getting melanoma as a result. Is this a national epidemic? Maybe. I’m certainly not going to jump to that conclusion, although I’m certain there’s been an increase in melanoma, and I was wondering when I was going to hear something.
I’m not blind when I walk around on campus. I noticed a lot of people with great tans during the winter, and I always thought they were increasing over the years. A fad’s a fad. Everyone on TV is so bright and shiny I have to wear sunglasses while watching it.
I’m not going to waste time discussing how tanning salons are bad for you. Look it up yourself. I’m also not going to judge. Going to Bahama Bodies in moderation is probably not a big deal, but keep in mind the risk of skin cancer goes up every time you are exposed to those light bulbs.
And when you plan on being outside for a while, put on some sunscreen.
I was going to write a hilarious joke about Ohio and how there’s no reason for sunscreen, but I bet you’ve already heard it before.
It would have sarcastically said how only a total dope would buy sunscreen in Ohio, and you would have laughed because you live here and know Ohio weather is lame, and it’d be such a waste of money to buy something for sun protection because there is no sun! Haha, what a moron for getting sunscreen ... in Ohio!
He must not live around here, or maybe he meant to purchase “cloudscreen!” Haha. It’s funny because it’s true. The joke would have been so funny.