Opinion: To Russia with love

Lucas+Misera

Lucas Misera

Lucas Misera

Valentine’s Day is less than a month away, but the world’s most high-profile – yet simultaneously nerve-wracking – “bromance” is budding in the present.

In the meanwhile, I can’t help but wonder: If President-elect Donald Trump moves forward in his relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin as a fellow global leader, how will it play out?

I imagine Trump tries to open with a letter that reads, “Roses are red, violets are blue. Together in office, our deals will be huge.” Presumably, however, he couldn’t write this himself; he’d certainly fumble around with such tiny pencils in his colossal hands.

In that case, Trump has his wife, Melania, pen it. After all, Hallmark must have a plethora of greeting cards to copy in case she suffers from writer’s block.

Once Trump is done flattering Putin, what happens when they meet in person for the first time? What do two of the most powerful individuals in the world do when they’re alone?

They have a casual discussion about suppressing media and silencing their political adversaries via unquestionably unethical methods. Like normal people, their chat takes place over a board game – the perfect way to pass time and socialize.

Trump’s game of choice would be a money-grabbing escapade that requires as little thought as possible, a game where he can exercise his ability to masterfully negotiate. If this is the case, Monopoly would be the obvious choice.

But – given his infatuation with the Russian president – he allows Putin to have his choice.

For Putin, the game must involve reckless military tactics that ignore the importance of international boundaries. So, Risk it is.

As Trump’s counterpart builds his miniature red army – yes, red is a playable color – stockpiling within Ukraine and infiltrating North America via the Kamchatka-Alaska connection, the U.S. president’s attention turns to Twitter, tweeting, “Vlad let me dominate Australia, the easiest region to defend. Sad mistake from such a great strategist!”

Following a disapproving look from the Russian president and the acknowledgement the KGB is capable of releasing mounds of compromising information at one time, the tweet is promptly deleted.

Trump’s attention drifts away from the game – which now decisively favors Putin – and the meetup between the two is evidently coming to an end. After a farewell marred by an onslaught of distracting hand motions, Trump outstretches his arms to offer his Russian friend a hug, a move that is rejected by Putin’s single extended hand that implies the expectation of a handshake.

And with that handshake, Trump departs.

Of course, such a scenario is far-fetched, but one thing is certain: U.S. citizens can only hope that meetings between the two for the next four years are as mundane as the aforementioned imaginative scenario.

Lucas Misera is the opinion editor, contact him at [email protected]