Opinion: This will get your mind off finals

Jake Crissman

Jake Crissman

Jake Crissman is a sophomore English major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].

I know that most of you are probably freaking out from all of the papers you have to write and final exams you have to take, but hopefully I can make you forget about all of that for a moment. Instead of discussing how stressed we all might be, I’d like to tell a funny anecdote that will either make you laugh or seriously make you call into question my sexuality.

So over the summer my BFFF (best effing friend forever) Yunch called me up and asked me if I would want to work with him. He was a ball boy for the Lake County Captains, a minor league baseball team affiliated with the Cleveland Indians. I didn’t want to do it, but he was desperate to work with someone familiar, because the guy that was supposed to work called off and none of the other ball boys were available. So his boss told him to either find a friend to fill in or he was going to work alone.

So he picked me up, and when we got to the stadium, we entered in through the clubhouse. It was a really cool thing to see because it was just like “Moneyball” or any other movie that takes place mostly in the clubhouse. Anyway, we got some uniforms to put on and I wore my pants with the legs pulled up to expose some high socks in the spirit of old-time baseball.

We went out to the field and set up both dugouts for the game; I would be working the away side. During the pregame rituals, many of the Captains players complimented me on my “dirty ‘stache” and were impressed with my facial-hair abilities, while expressing their own facial-hair aspirations.

During the game, I sat right there on the field and took care of bats and balls whenever appropriate. I chewed about three pieces of gum at once so that I looked like a cliché baseball douche. After the game, we cleaned up the dugouts and headed back into the locker room to change and eat.

This is when we entered a scene that I will never forget.

All of the players were either showering, about to hit the showers or on their way back from them. Everyone was naked, and I mean that literally everyone. It was definitely awkward trying to eat some stir-fry while there’s a bunch of dongs dangling in front of you. But then I realized that all of these guys were packing some serious heat.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that these guys were hung like horses. I was damned impressed. I began to gawk at these substantial penises in pure amazement, and it’s not like it was just some of them; literally every single dick – or the ones that I saw at least, which was a substantial number – was huge.

When I got home, I told my family all about my amazement with the team’s genitalia. Could it be that all baseball players just have huge dicks? I thought about and discussed it for days after that as well. I finally concluded that they must have been “showers” as opposed to being “growers.”

That day was a great experience for me. It was fun, exciting, and eye-opening. It was easily the best $40 I’ve ever made.