Holiday sex

Kelsey Misbrener

You and your guy have been dating for a while … You like him a lot, and you want him to know this relationship is serious. You think it’s time to bring him to your family’s Christmas celebration.

At your aunt’s Christmas day party, he’s melting your grandparents’ hearts and charming your little cousins.

Songs on the radio talk of “chestnut roasting” and “going underneath my Christmas Tree.”

You’re getting hot and bothered.

You want him to spin your dreidel.

But how can you possibly escape when your family members are occupying nearly every room in the house?

Escape Routes:

1) The Upstairs Bathroom

Most of the guests will be too filled with ham and pie to make the long journey up the stairs. This is probably the safest location. If you hear your annoying little cousin knocking, make your boyfriend hide in the shower while you divert the little bugger. Then he can sneak out and you’ll both be home free.

2) The Laundry Room

No one should be doing laundry during Christmas, so unless this room is close to the dining room, you should be safe. If disturbed, take one for the team, and stuff yourself in the dryer while your boyfriend tells your mom he was cleaning up a stain on his shirt.

3) The Basement Supply Closet

Most likely, your uncles will be too full of food and beer to wonder why it takes two people 15 minutes to find the extra cans of Sprite.

4) The Great Beer-Run Escape

The party’s getting rowdy, and Aunt Frida’s already finished off the last wine bottle. There’s no more alcohol at the party. You generously offer to make a trip to the nearest Speedway with your boyfriend to restock.

If you’re feeling dangerous, you can have some fun in the car before you hit the road. If you’re feeling even more dangerous, you can sneak in your neighbor’s house that you’re house-sitting, or your relative’s house who lives nearby. They won’t ask why it took 2 hours as long as you come back with the booze.

Contact Kelsey Misbrener at [email protected].