Exciting new technology advancements

Dominique Lyons

Who would win in a fight between Broly (from Dragon Ball Z) and Bowser (from Super Mario Bros.)? That question very routinely finds its way into my head. The reason is simple: It’s because I’m a doe-eyed nerd of the 2000s.

Games (excluding all those that require any small knowledge of sports or ability to aim without my beloved automatic lock-on) have always found a snug place in my free time, and I’ve been a fan of Harry Potter since before I was old enough to go to Hogwarts.

Anything with a screen or a microphone makes me salivate, and if it connects to the Internet then my stomach starts growling.

I use words like “troll” and “lol” at Pokémon jokes. I know the meaning of acronyms like RPG, RTS, FPS and PFP.

Because of my extreme level of nerdsomeness (that’s awesome nerdness), a few new things have made me squeal in manly, unabashedly nerdy excitement.

I was going to wait until the end to tell you, but I’m too excited. While trolling (there goes that word) the Internet, I learned about some new tech. Some really cool new tech. And I really, truly, fervently want to get my hands on it.

First up is the tiniest battery ever. When I say tiniest ever, I mean put your index finger and thumb as close as you possibly can without having them touch, then make them touch. This battery pushes humans one step closer to nanotechnology, which pulls the future one step closer, which means Kingdom Hearts 3 will be getting its game glory all over my hands that much sooner. Oh, the future is beautiful.

Next up to bat (a nerd making a sports reference — check your limbs, someone might have divided by zero) is the heated car seat for pets. It may not seem very innovative – car seats for pets have been around for years – but this one is actually the first ever to have awesome heating powers. Now that it exists, it shall haunt my dreams until — ignoring the pained screams of my wallet — I fork over the $150 that will make my dog Champaigne’s winter car excursions that much farther out of this world.

Today’s last technological masterpiece aims to prod shoppers outside the limitations of their archaic grocery lists. The idea behind it is simple: Take a simple cart, add a more-than-simple tablet and, using very simple math (and a very complicated naming process), you get the SK Telecom Smart Cart.

The Smart Cart syncs with your smart phone (because it’s 2011, so get a smart phone) and provides you with “real indoor positioning,” so as you (or any other customer, for that matter) navigate the aisles, you could get a cool virtual coupon for a discount on, say, toilet paper, which would be bad news for that professor who gave you a C last semester. So far, these Smart Carts are only in Shanghai’s Lotus Supermarkets, but if the Smart Carts are as smart as I desperately want them to be, we’ll see them on our shores soon enough.

I know I said the last one was the last one, but this next one is simply sublime. In fact, it’s almost magical (wink, wink). Straight from Olivander’s for Muggles comes the Kymera Magic Wand. It’s a new type of TV remote that makes television fantastic again. And for you non-magicians, it’s at the very least a fun new way to channel surf.

You should consider yourself lucky; you just got some very opinionated information about the three coolest new tech, plus a bonus gadget, for only $0. That’s something I wish I had when I was your age. Nostalgia is setting in; everything is turning a memory-driven shade of sepia. Oh, the good ol’ days.

Dominique Lyons is a sophomore news major. Contact him at [email protected].