Six simple rules to surviving freshman year

Dominique Lyons

All right freshmen and women, here’re a few tips on how to live your life now that your homeowners (called “parents” by the government) are finally miles away.

First comes the second most important rule, because this is college and that’s how college works (you’ll understand one day, foolish Padowan). Go to class. Let me reiterate, GO TO CLASS. Not to go is to waste your hard-earned money, and that’s on the off-chance that you’ve got rich parents and are here without any loans or scholarships.

For the other 100 percent, you’re wasting someone else’s money, and that’s neither okay nor smart, because you WILL have to pay back anything that’s not a scholarship or grant. With interest.

Next up is the immensely important third rule: Eat. Once people get into their study groove, they seem to forget that their bodies need food like their minds need books, and after a week of heavy test preparation they look like a Barbie doll that got her hands on some “special sugar.” And always remember to eat before you party, or else you’ll be the guy curled up in a pile of your own throw-up wishing the world would stop turning for just a few seconds.

There is, though, one very important notice tacked onto rule three: Don’t eat too much. The Freshman 15 is very real, and it can creep up on you like a chill in an igloo.

The fourth rule is simple, but ignore it and you might as well forgo rule 2. Never neglect your precious eight hours of sleep. Eight hours seems like a long time, especially to the college student on the go, but sleeping is the second best way to spend the night (you should be able to guess the best way), and if you don’t do it in your bed, no safe amount of energy drinks will keep you from nodding off at your desk, which can be a fatal mistake in your cozier classes.

The fifth rule is basically shoved down your throat every time you leave your dorms: Get involved. Don’t sit in your dorm and allow college to devolve into High School 2.0. Get out and do something. Put on some make-up and go make Kent (and by extension the whole wide world) a better place; you’ll see that it’s actually a lot more fun than watching Snookie hobble out of a bar with her dignity huddled in some guy’s wallet.

Facebook is your friend. It can do many great and powerful things that no one person wholly understands, but it has its flaws, one of them being that it’s horrible at keeping secrets. So Rule Six is easy for some, but seemingly impossible for others: Don’t tell your secrets to Facebook because your personal business will become very public very fast.

Rule No. 1, numero uno, the most important of rules, the alpha rule: Have fun. Chill with your peeps, play video games, learn to dance, build a bridge. It really doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you have a hell of a time doing it, because in the end the most important things about college are the experiences that pave your road to adulthood.

Take the rules in this list to heart, and your first year of college will flow smoother than a greased river.

Dominique Lyons is a sophomore news major.

Contact him at [email protected].