Serial Killer Roundtable

This is a work of fiction meant for entertainment purposes only.

Preliminary police reports suggest a new serial killer is on the loose in Long Island, NY. Details are very few, and authorities have little to go on. The bodies of several prostitutes have been discovered near the shoreline and police have determined that the killings were very possibly perpetrated by a single killer.

In response to this development, some of the most notorious serial murderers in history have gathered at the KentWired offices to offer commentary on this new killer.

Jack the Ripper: “I like this guy’s style. He kills hookers. If you ask me, that’s a pretty smart way to go. Think about it! Chances are no one will really miss them.”

John Wayne Gacy:“Hookers are fine and all, but teenagers are waaay better targets.”

Charles Manson:“You guys are small time. The real trick is to get other people to do your murdering for you. Let’s hope this new guys shows that kind of creativity”.

Zodiac Killer:“This new guy is off to a pretty good start; the police don’t have any leads on him yet. If he wants to follow in my footsteps and never get identified or apprehended, he should start sending taunting letters to the press as soon as possible.”

Jeffrey Dahmer:“If he really wants to stay ahead of the authorities, he needs to get in the habit of eating the bodies. It’s the absolute best way to get rid of the evidence.”

Ted Bundy:“Why bother? He obviously has a bulletproof body-disposal plan in place. Bury the bodies near a beach! It’s genius! Nobody would ever find bodies near a beach! Oh…wait.”

Charles Manson:“We’re missing the point here. The bodies are going to be found eventually, so this new guy in Long Island needs to convince everybody that the folks he killed needed to die. He should do what I did and convince his friends that he his the second coming of Christ. Works every time.”

Jack the Ripper:“What kind of amateur needs henchmen? I cut on more bodies than a butcher and never got caught. That was all me, baby!”

Ted Bundy:“Yeah Manson, when you start drawing all that attention to yourself, the cops bust your ass. Just like happened to you.”

Jeffrey Dahmer:“What were we talking about again?”

John Wayne Gacy:“I think some yahoo in Long Island.”

Zodiac Killer:“Oh, right. Well, good luck to him.”

Charles Manson:“Right. Good chat, fellas. Who wants lunch?”

Jeffrey Dahmer:“I brought some leftover mailman in a cooler if you guys want any.”

For more of these sparkling personalities, we direct you to this episode of South Park.