How to pretend you’re Irish

Saint Patrick’s Day: the best excuse to drink since New Year’s. You don’t have to be Irish to enjoy St. Patrick’s day, but it sure helps. Therefore, to help our devoted readers get into the St. Patty’s spirit, we have compiled a helpful list of ways to act Irish. You’ll be on your way to getting a tan in October in no time!

1. Dye your hair red

Everyone knows red hair is a strong sign of Irish heritage, but few people are naturally blessed with this quality. But thanks to the magic of hair dye, anyone can be Irish!

Sure, hair dye can be expensive and it’s hard to get rid of, but if you’re truly dedicated to the spirit of St. Patrick’s day, you’ll go the extra mile. On the other hand, you can always use Kool-Aid, which is cheaper and more vibrant.

2. Be drunk at all times

This should be manageable for everyone; simply drink until you start a fight and BOOM! Instant Irish heritage. When you start bleeding green beer, you know you are an honorary Irish national.

Possibly the most common form of Irish imitation in the world (except maybe in Ireland), getting sloshed is a time-honored St. Patty’s tradition. Grab a pint and join the party.

3. Act like a leprechaun

If there is a better way to celebrate St. Patrick’s day other than dressing up in green knickerbockers and dancing a jig while shouting gaelic gibberish in a tinny voice, I haven’t heard of it. Brag to your friends about the size of your pot of gold and the brightness of your rainbow! Who knows? If they get drunk enough, they might believe you.

4. Start fights and/or be pregnant

If there are two things the Irish are known for, it’s bar brawls and spitting out babies. Pay homage to your St. Patty’s forefathers and punch your best friend in the mouth for trying to bum a swig of your stout.

Ladies: remember that birth control is a tool of the devil. Fill those pews, people!

5. Throw rocks at protestants

Speaking of pews, it is your duty as fake Irish people to make life a living hell for protestants, the sworn enemies of noble, pure-blooded Irish catholics everywhere. After all, protestants interpret the teachings of Christ differently from us. How dare they?!

Seeing as how you’ll most likely be absolutely wasted by noon, senseless violence on St. Patty’s day should be an easy task.

Disclaimer: This article is entirely in jest, and in no way an attack on the Irish community. Please resist the urge to hunt me down and beat me to death with shaleighleighs.

Tell us how you plan to act Irish on the big day!