I don’t know who our commencement speaker will be, but I’m working under the theory that we’ll all be underwhelmed. So I thought I’d share some of the more salient thoughts I’ve had during my four years in college in his or her place for your benefit.

1. From the moment you meet someone, you begin mythologizing him or her in your head. Note that whenever you think something about a person, it is based upon your own limited knowledge of that person and not their true self.

2. Don’t drive yourself crazy by trying to figure out why others do what they do. Even if they try honestly to explain their actions, they could never put into words the thousands of elements that precede the tiniest choice. It’s what philosophers call the “problem of perception.” Or maybe I just made that up.

3. Often times the lesson in No. 2 applies to your own actions as well.

4. If you do or say something to intentionally hurt someone, it will pain you more in the

coming weeks, months and years infinitely more than it could ever hurt them.

5. If you get ink on a microfiber couch, you can probably get it out with gin and a Q-tip.

6. A true friend is someone who at least takes the time to pretend to listen to your advice. That’s all you can ask.

7. Throughout life, you will hate most of your best teachers for attacking your claims and making you think.

8. Some of your best ideas will come to you as you try to sleep. Keep a notepad by your bed.

9. If you act happy all of the time, people will think you’re abnormal at best and dishonest at worst.

10. It’s the little things that resonate the most. You’ll be pining for the opportunity to play that pickup basketball game you played freshman year over again for the rest of your natural life.

11. People are going to hurt you. Get over it. It will give you more drive and energy than you thought humanly possible. Channel it into something positive instead of something destructive.

12. You’ll eventually grow tired of pretending you care about fancy beers, modern art and women who won’t throw a baseball around with you.

13. Some people don’t like reading books. You can either keep trying to persuade them, or grow a little mustache, act superior and pout.

14. You’ll probably always be concerned that important information is now being texted and e-mailed to you instead of arriving in handwritten form and narrated by a Civil War soldier from a Ken Burns documentary.

15. In your lifetime, you will break or lose countless items and have others stolen from you. Honestly, not one will trouble you more than losing a friendship. Well, maybe a car.

16. There’s a slight possibility that everyone you care about knows you do, and to what extent. You probably shouldn’t risk it.

So there’s my take, class of 2010. Aphorist I ain’t. Sorry if it felt too much like a sermon. Now go forth to love and serve the Lord, or what you will.

Tom Gallick is a senior newspaper journalism major and

guest columnist for the

Daily Kent Stater.