Reporter’s notes: The day Miley Cyrus died

Laura Lofgren

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls and everyone in between: I regret to inform you that our beloved, wholesome American child star, Miley Cyrus, is dead.

Sadness and screaming prevails in this dire state our country has collapsed into. Cyrus, lovingly known as Hannah Montana by fans of all ages, reportedly partied too hard after the recent debut of her eloquently named movie, “Hannah Montana: The Movie.” She died Wednesday from an excessive intake of alcohol, a psychological disorder known as “reefer madness” and sugar-coated candies given to her by loyal fans. One could assume the hype and popularity of the film overwhelmed the 17-year-old singer/actress and induced a mind-numbing onslaught of anything sweet or narcotic.

“I’m awfully sad,” said Cyrus’ older, less famous brother Trace. “It was only a matter of time, though.”

The death of Cyrus produced an epic scene like nothing ever before. The streets of Los Angeles, New York and several other cities exploded when the news reached the ears of little ones and their parents. Fits of outrage and crying led to the disruption of traffic, with cars stopping in the middle of streets and drivers jumping out with tears of anguish and fear on their faces. Parents held their children as they cried, “No! Not Hannah Montana! Why her, Mommy? Why?!”

Fights broke out among adults over what to do, and who should be the next child star for their little babies to look up to. Hannah Montana merchandise littered the streets within minutes after the news was released. Sparkly backpacks and sequined shirts were strewn about as far as the eye could see. Tossed from windows of cars, houses and schools, the Hannah Montana merch has now been deemed “worthless” by auction appraisers.

“It’s over,” said Michael Poryes, co-creator of the hit Disney series Cyrus starred in. “There’s nothing left to live for without that ray of sunshine in our lives.”

The face of the pop star is now merely an image that has been crumpled up and thrown into the garbage. Children and adults have no one to turn to anymore when they’re upset or feeling alone. There will no longer be that upbeat, angelic voice gracing the airwaves or the television sets. No more Hannah Montana bedding, dinnerware, pajamas, dolls, video games, books, CDs, DVDs, child-sized guitars, backpacks, lunch boxes, stationery, candy or posters!

The world has halted and the pandemic of “Life without Miley” has begun. Chaos and destruction from rambunctious, pissed off children will ensue. It’s only a matter of time before Toys ‘R’ Us falls into disrepair when sparkling Hannah Montana confetti and stickers cease to be sold. The world grows darker after the solemn day Hannah Montana, errr.Miley Cyrus died.