The end of the world as we know it

Kristine Gill

I try to avoid giving advice in this space too often. If I preach too much, you aren’t likely to take any of it to heart. So know when I tell you to do something, I mean it.

The end of the world is coming, and we must prepare.

The Mayans predicted it a while back and marked Dec. 21, 2012, on their stone calendars. Then they had a good laugh because they knew they’d be long gone by then. I watched a Discovery Channel special that said we must find 12 crystal skulls hidden on Earth by aliens before 2012 if we want our planet to keep on spinning. I’m guessing we’ll have to then present the skulls to the aliens or something … DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES.

Yes, it’s possible the Mayans were drunk when they came up with that date, and it’s possible they made up the whole idea as some elaborate Armageddon hoax. (The Mayans had a very different sense of humor then.) It’s also possible the idea of finding these skulls to stave off the end of the world is a bunch of baloney, but none of those possibilities scare me. The one that does give me the willies is the possibility that by Dec. 21, 2012, we won’t have found all of them.

If this sounds ridiculous, it’s because we’re safe and sound in the year 2009. Maybe you’d be more worried if it were March of 2012 and you had a few short months left to live. I’ve already scheduled a nervous breakdown for Dec. 20, 2012, on my Gmail calendar. I suggest you do the same.

It is better to try going potty before the 12-hour car ride than it is to just hold it. It is better to buy a third gallon of milk and let it rot, rather than forgo your weekly calcium intake. It is better to spend the next three years scouring the globe for these damn skulls than it is to waste hundreds of dollars on gifts for a Christmas 2012 that we’re going to miss by a hair.

If this column isn’t convincing you of the imminent danger, check out the Discovery Channel special. It is riveting. It will have you scrambling to construct imitation crystal skulls to present to those aliens.

Remember the first Bigfoot special you saw? If you’re like me, you spent the first 10 minutes laughing alone in your dark basement. Then a commercial came on, the house creaked and the TV announcer’s abrupt voice sent shivers up your spine. Suddenly you realized you’d rather be watching a special about the capture and dismemberment of the sole Bigfoot creature that – up until a few minutes ago – you knew for a fact did not exist.

That’s how I feel about the end of the world. I wish I were writing a column about the billion-dollar worldwide crystal skull hunt that resulted in the excavation of the remaining skulls. That’s not the case – yet. If we all take a small portion of the planet and dig it up, we can find these skulls. We have four years. Go.

Kristine Gill is a junior newspaper journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].