PSA: Emo kids take heed

Darren D'Altorio

Emo kids are suffering from self-inflicted wounds they aren’t even aware of – surprisingly.

And if these inflictions aren’t controlled soon, there could be societal repercussions for future generations.

Let’s start with an examination. Literally, an eye examination.

Emo kid, lift the hair elegantly swooped over one of your eyes for just a moment and see the word in all its depth and glory.

Beyond the ability to further recognize spatial relationships between objects just a little better, notice the damage you have caused to your vision.

As the pirate-eye haircut you gracefully sport wavers back and forth in front of one of your eyes, the ends of your hair potentially scratch the retinal surface, causing an annoying pain, similar to an eyelash being permanently embedded into your eyeball and irreversible vision damage.

Also, because one eye is constantly shielded, it becomes sensitized to external stimuli, such as wind and sunlight.

Over time, this hypersensitivity can lead to symptoms similar to lazy eye as your eyelid closes involuntarily to protect the weakened eyeball.

As you age, you are putting innocent people in danger with this vision impairment. Driving will become more risky. The chances of you walking into other people and/or inanimate objects will exponentially increase.

In conjunction with the stylish, swooped bang comes potential nerve damage in the upper back and neck.

Because the hair is constantly scratching the retina and inhibiting depth perception, you use a jerking, twitch-like neck motion to relieve the pain and impairment.

Throughout the day, there could be an accumulation of more than 100 sudden twitches of the neck in an effort to relieve the nuisance. Unless you plan to keep chiropractors in business long into the future, there needs to be some kind of solution.

The months, or even years, of this accumulated spasm-like jerking will surely lead to Torticollis, otherwise known as wry neck. Once this sets in, there is a compound impairment situation involving vision and hunchback neck positioning. This will make it even harder to navigate the world because your bad vision will be directed at the ground.

Cosmetically, the hair also poses a (rather noticeable) problem.

Acne can form where the hair rests against the skin on the face.

Acne sucks.

We all went through it when our hormones were raging and hair started to grow on weird parts of our bodies. Why would you subject yourself to that condition longer than what’s necessary?

Moving on to the lower region of the body and a little monster known as varicose veins …

I know super-skinny jeans are the “it” thing right now. And quite frankly, I do think they look good on the ladies. Guys, however, have been raiding their girlfriends’ closets, searching for that right pair of L.e.i.s. Plus, this fashion trend can cause serious problems down the road.

Just as high-heeled shoes destroy ladies’ feet, causing them to lose all blood flow so they are purple and cold like frostbitten nubs, skinny jeans rob circulation from the legs.

You aren’t flying a fighter plane, pulling more than six Gs through a 700-mile per hour turn, which would require tight pants to hold the blood in the upper half of the body and prevent unconsciousness.

In time, purple spiderweb veins will creep over your precious, silky stems, ladies. And guys, your pasty whites will look like Raisinets.

Perhaps Jnco jeans will make a resurgence to alleviate the years of damage, spelling relief and room to breathe for the emo-plagued legs.

Jnco jeans coming back, that would be sweet.

In conclusion, emo kids are leading at-risk lives based on the aforementioned factors. It is in the emo culture to wear the heart on the sleeve, but parading the physical ailments caused by your lifestyle choice is not what that means, nor should it be the goal of expression.

It is, however, the undeniable result.

If you don’t believe this comprehensive report, Google “the dangers of being emo” and see for yourself. There is quite a stir in the media about the ways of the emo.

This has been a public service announcement.

Darren D’Altorio is a senior magazine journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. He has all the Senses Fail albums on his iPod. Contact him at [email protected].