What the newest president can do for your sex life

Barack Obama has penetrated the fiery political imagination of our youth, the pistons and gears of our political machine and the glitzy world of media.

But Obama, or his likeness, can also do some penetrating on a more … intimate scale. Yes, I’m sure you’ve already figured out where this is going. Or coming.

The “Head O State,” a dildo tipped with the President’s likeness (His face; not any other part of his “likeness”), is seven-and-a-half inches long, two inches wide, weighs approximately 14 ounces and comes in both Democratic Blue and Presidential Gold. The unofficial toy is produced by Ozam Group LLC, a company which apparently exists solely for the purpose of creating grotesque plastic political figures that you can shove in your private parts. And, what’s more, they don’t seem to advertise any other presidential phalluses; one would think, say, the George Washington “Cherry Tree” and the Teddy Roosevelt “Big Stick” would find sizable markets.

So if you’re looking to expand the number of famous people you can pretend to have sex with (and who isn’t?), you’ll have to look beyond the Ozam Group. What else might be out there?

While he doesn’t have that sexy, well-groomed Harvard Law sheen, 50 Cent also apparently has plans for an official replica of his own equipment – or at least had them at one time.

“Blue is my favorite color,” said Fiddy in a 2005 interview with GQ, “so it would probably be blue.”

But the man’s not just trying to wave his proverbial wiener around – he may just be in it to make the ladies happy.

“I want to do something like that, to create something that’s popular and exciting sexually for women,” said the rapper, also noting that it would be usable in the tub – “a lot of them aren’t waterproof,” he noted sagely. When it comes to sex toys, the man clearly knows his stuff.

She never produced an actual sex toy (to the public’s knowledge), but Madonna, through a series of unfortunate photoshoots and public relations failures, ended up with her face on a particular brand of condoms. Of course, this isn’t quite the same as actually having sex with Madonna; it’s more like Madonna is your mom, and she’s standing over your bed wagging her finger while you’re having sex with someone else. If you’re into that, though, get the condoms while they’re still around – the Material Girl’s PR team appears to have forced them into the secondary market.

There are, of course, plenty of celebrity sex dolls kicking around; they’re generally poorly named knock-offs, with “Sarah Jessica Porkher” actually being one of the more clever. The more discerning connoisseur of fake plastic things with which to penetrate yourself will, perhaps, seek solace elsewhere. The rest of us can just barf everywhere. And then fire-bomb our Internet history.

The above editorial by John Bailey was originally printed in the Daily Campus, the University of Connecticut’s student newspaper. The content was made available by U-WIRE.