Editor’s notes: If I were the big kid on the playground

Denise Wright

I’m 5’5″ (OK, 5’4″ as my license would tell you) and just over 100 pounds soaking wet. As you can probably guess, I’m not the world’s most intimidating person, and I keep my temper even enough to not actually wish harm upon anyone.

But in a world where we’re forced to see the most annoying celebrities on the cover of every other magazine on display, sometimes that voice enters the back of your mind: the one that says, “If I could just have five minutes alone with them…” (And although they’re the same words, it’s not quite the same feeling you get when you look at Rob Pattinson). Sometimes, you really just want to kick a celebrity’s ass.

The following list includes some celebrities I’ve been longing to rant about during the course of the semester, so when I saw the “TOP 10 CELEBRITIES WHO NEED TO GET THEIR ASS KICKED” list on thatssofetch.com, I felt inspired to make a list of my own…

10. Kanye West-I wish I didn’t like his music because then I would have had the heart to move him further up the list. But I just have to say that anyone that cocky deserves to have their ass kicked. Life would be better if West didn’t open his mouth outside the studio.

9. Vanessa Hudgens-When Hudgens first hit the scene, she seemed like the kind of girl you’d like to take shopping with you. But that reputation quickly diminished with stories of her diva ways and a certain photo that surfaced. For me, the photo thing can be overlooked, but she told my friend “no” when she asked for an autograph, so quite understandably, she’s gone from shopping buddy to punching bag.

8. “Danielle” Radcliffe-Radcliffe is another one of those who wasn’t always annoying. And while he’s harmless, I’d really to just like him to keep his shirt on. He’s not that attractive anyway.

7. Dustin Diamond-No one saw your porn tape, no one wants to see your porn tape. Stop bragging about it and giving people a hard time on “Celebrity Fit Club.”

6. Brandon Davis-You probably don’t even know who this is. After all, Davis is hardly what I would call a “celebrity.” But he’d like you to think he is. C’mon Brandon, fire crotch? You’re hilarious, really!

5. Miley Cyrus-No explanation necessary.

4. Andy Dick-Do I really have to write anything? It’s Andy Dick. Seriously, any guy who looks like that much of a pedophile and actually assaults a 17-year-old girl would be next in line for a beating.

3. John Mayer-This is another person who has my appreciation musically. But John Mayer, you’ve dashed my hopes of romance. Watching you jump from girl to girl breaks my heart, and if you hurt Jennifer Aniston, I swear…

2. Spencer Pratt-Pratt is Brandon Davis multiplied by about five thousand. He is also not a celebrity, but seems determined to butt into Hollywood. News flash: You look like a Gremlin; no one wants to make you the star of their film.

1. Paris Hilton-Hilton has been on my list from day one. She’s done absolutely nothing for this world, and still, everyone loves her. It’s annoying.

So there it is, my list. And after reading it over, I feel slightly mean (again, I’m not the angry type). But hey, it pains us to watch them; why can’t we subject them to a few minutes of punishment?

Contact all editor Denise Wright at [email protected].