If you haven’t noticed, the Kent State campus is windy. And if you haven’t noticed that, there’s something wrong with you. Because it is very windy. However, only recently did it come to my attention the wind is in fact very dangerous. I believe, for several reasons, that a new policy must be implemented to protect students and faculty from the dangers of gale force winds on campus. I call it the Anti-Wind Act of 2008. Let us examine the dangers that wind exposes us to.

Leaves

Leaves are wonderful things. They give us oxygen, look lovely in the fall, and make for wonderful Thanksgiving dinner centerpieces. But they have a dark side. Blowing around at fast speeds, leaves can cause serious damage to the human body. For instance, innocently making my way to the bus stop today, I was assaulted by a whirlwind of foliage. One particular leaf managed to find its way into my eye, causing major discomfort and possibly lacerations.

Dust

Who knows where dust comes from? Dust experts, but that is besides the point. There is “dust” everywhere. I believe it is made from rock particles and dirt, but I’m no dust expert. Now, rocks are hard and heavy, unable to be lifted by wind. Tiny pieces of rocks on the other hand, are easy targets for malicious winds. They can be carried into the eyes, mouth, and nose, causing problems with seeing and breathing, and causing the victim to spit uncontrollably.

Hair

If you are anything like me, you care quite a bit about the appearance of your hair. A full 45 seconds of my day is dedicated to making my head look presentable. Not only do I wet my head under the faucet, but I dry it vigorously with a towel, and even run my fingers through the tangled mass a few times. Then, stepping outside, all of my hard work goes straight to hell. If the hair isn’t stabbing you in the eyes, it is blowing in the most absurd directions and tangling itself even further. No one wants wind hair.

Scarves

Wonderful accessories, they come in a variety of colors and styles that can complement almost any outfit. However, when exposed to high speed winds, they become dangerous weapons. Not only do they pose a choking threat to the wearer, they also pose a whacking-in-the-face threat to innocent passersby.

Dry eyes

Crying isn’t cool, but neither is the feeling of having a sandy beach on your eyeball. Your eyes can only lubricate themselves so fast, and wind is a tear-duct’s worst enemy. According to Web MD, having dry eyes can result in blurred vision, pain, light sensitivity, itchiness, and redness. Not to mention the well-known “speed blinking” and “squinting-with-furrowed-brow-like-you-hate-the-world” syndromes.

And there you have it. The dangers of wind. I propose a new policy to address this problem. Wind should not be allowed to blow over 5 mph after Oct. 1, when the leaves go into their “hard enough to hurt if they poke you in the eye” phase. I also propose that all dust be required to vacate campus property, in order to avoid any wind related issues it may encounter. Students should be required to carry Visene with them at all times in case of a breach of policy, and combs should be handed out at designated posts all around campus.

Together we can do it. So join me, and say, “Screw you, Weather. We won’t put up with this nonsense anymore!”

Jen Cechner is a senior human development and family studies major and a guest columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].