It’s been another depressing week in news, immortalized forever by the archives of headlines that exist in cyberspace.

Any person of the present and near or distant future who wishes to know about the events and happenings of this foul week need only to rummage through some Wiki, search engine or digital database to understand the catastrophe of the time we live in.

More innocent students shot dead in the haven of higher education. Neo-Nazi punks exposed, plotting to mass murder hoards of African Americans, only to end their killing spree with an attempt on the life of presidential nominee Barack Obama. An 8-year-old boy is dead after shooting himself in the face with an Uzi, on accident of course, in the presence of his father and gun experts at a gun show.

Suicide bomb attacks in Somalia, tainted eggs in China, depression, economic meltdown, credit card crisis. It’s no wonder the number of prescriptions for anti-depressants in the United States has tripled in the past five years and alcohol sales have remained steady through all of the aforementioned events.

In the radioactive light of all this information, the government has a responsibility to keep up appearances. Amid the worldwide disaster, sharp suits, Windsor-knotted ties and laser-guided rhetoric must be maintained. After all, it is the words of these politicians that keep the gears turning in this world. They call the shots. They execute the strategy. They ensure the public looting stores and ravaging the streets isn’t necessary to maintain a decent standard of living.

It’s important to recognize this grim fact, especially in this election season, especially when the election for the top-dog strategist of the world, the President of the United States, is less than one week away.

The psychological nuances of government are hard at work, giving the general public the illusion of control. The vote. It’s the voice of the people. It’s the chance for the public to decide who will play puppet master for the next four years, at least.

Well, whoever the public decides that puppet master shall be, the show that the newly elect will take over needs to reach new, dramatic heights because things have really started to spiral out of control. People are losing their wits and their way in this world.

Normally, in light of crisis and topsy-turvy behavior on a global scale, people rally around a cause, and unite to form strength in numbers. Just look at America after Sept. 11 for proof.

People do this to remember they are all in this together, this life, this world, this charade.

But now, this is not the case.

The lines of division are gouging deeply through America, like the country is a suicidal teenager, cutting itself for attention, relief or as a cry for help.

A beast is forming, comprised of the following:

Racism is surfacing again, as the thoughts of a black president presiding over the nation punch the wind out of white-power morons, whether they are in or out of the post-civil rights closet.

Ethnocentrism is rearing its ugly head, causing scapegoats to emerge in the stereotypical cries of “Terrorist, Terrorist.”

Class conflict is crippling society, making Karl Marx raise his index finger in an “Ah ha, I told you so,” manner.

But instead of coming together to confront this multi-headed beast, people are retreating into the dark comfort zones of their lives, alienating their minds from a greater cause and unity.

This is why the American government needs to step in and get everything back on track.

It must start lying to us because the truth is no longer working.

The lie it must perpetrate to the American people, and the people of the world, is a noble one. It is one with good intention that will unite and bring people from the depths of self-alienation.

The government must stage an alien invasion and broadcast it.

Using all possible means and resources, the powers of political clout must create a believable scenario involving alien spacecraft landing on Earth and aliens disembarking to explore our lush planet.

They must claim to know nothing of the creatures’ intent, knowledge and capabilities. They must acknowledge their ignorance to the creatures’ possible hostility or peacefulness.

Then, the new president must deliver this message:

“People of America and all countries of the world, this day, we must become one. At this time, remember all of our differences mean nothing, and we exist on this planet as human beings.

“Beings from another planet have come to ours. Why? We don’t know. Our military forces have surrounded their landing site, but no measures have been taken to attack the foreign invaders. So far, they have not attempted to attack us, either.

“In the event of violent behavior from these strangers, all nations must unite to defend and preserve humanity as best as possible. In the event of a peaceful gesture from these aliens, an understanding of their purpose in coming here will try to be achieved.

“History’s events have led us to a place where globalization, world markets, international diplomacy and foreign relations are concepts understood only by those who choose to investigate their meanings. Now, I am calling on every person to embrace these ideologies, making them real and understood by all.

“Before this day, there were rampant divisions between countries, races, religions, economies and political systems of the world. Clear lines were drawn, creating boundaries, boarders and, ultimately, limits to our interaction as humans.

“Now, all of those notions are erased in the presence of these new arrivals. And because of this, we stand under a larger scope of understanding. The complete understanding of one another is the new, global goal.

“Thank you.”

Darren D’Altorio is a senior magazine journalism major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].