On Tuesday Barbara Streisand held a celebrity fundraiser for presidential hopeful Barack Obama. The fundraiser contributed $9 million to Obama’s war chest, no small amount, and celebrities were treated to hearing Streisand’s beautiful voice.

Er, I mean gifted with seeing Streisand’s gorgeous body.

Er, um, they withstood immense torture in support of their candidate – some may say a fate worse than death. Streisand has been into politics for a while and, though I do not support her choice, cannot stand her voice and find her repulsive, I applaud her for contributing to a political campaign. While I would have rather seen the money going to a third party candidate – or a nose job – it was a respectable event from what I’ve heard. No anti-Republican rhetoric or forcing her views down her audience members’ throats because they were there to support Obama.

The hilarious thing this week is teen queen and Marilyn Monroe poseur Lindsay Lohan offering to stump for Obama. Yeah right Lohan, because every presidential candidate needs a train wreck stumping for him. I can see it now (cue dream sequence): Lohan showing up at her first speech, tripping over her feet, still drunk from the night before. She opens her mouth and while the snow gently falls from the tip of her nose, she mispronounces his name, “Yeah Osama woo!” and immediately passes out. A single martini glass rolls across the stage as the audience gasps at Obama’s supporter sleeping in a puddle of her own vomit.

Thankfully, Obama is intelligent enough to say, “No, thank you” to Lohan. His political savvy is above that of a high school freshman and he sees Lohan’s drug problems would just be the tip of the iceberg if he hired her onto his campaign.

The monster Streisand may scare a potential voter or two away from Obama because she is too old for our generation. Lohan, however, would have scared away soccer moms in droves, instantly turning them into hockey moms or worse, the dreaded hippie moms who may go toward Bob Barr. Nobody wants a girl who made Monroe’s classic pictures look like the garbage Lohan managed; that alone would be toxic waste to anyone’s campaign.

Do celebrities know what’s better for us? Of course they do not, no matter how much they would like to pretend they do. Do their political views affect how we view them? They do, but I can look past George Clooney’s horrid politics to appreciate his movies. I realize he is a good actor. Celebrities who have no talent other than a knack for getting DUI’s really should not be celebrities at all. I am sorry, but Lohan cannot act her way out of a paper bag. Her singing is no better.

Who would be my top three to stump for my campaign? Easy. Metal legend Slayer and the geniuses behind South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

God may forgive me for writing this pseudo-column involving celebrities, but I do not know if I can forgive myself. I need to take a long hot shower. At least now I know I am capable of writing posh for CNN, Fox News or The New York Times.

Ted Hamilton is senior magazine journalist major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].