Before you go outside…

Ron Soltys

There are several important things everybody has to do when spring rolls around. It isn’t quite here yet, but it’s getting a little warmer. It should rain a lot this week, but we all have to start thinking about all the things we have to do before the weather is nice.

I’ve decided I will help you all out with some helpful tips for spring in Kent.

Ron’s mandatory to-do list

• Buy sunglasses

This is important throughout all times of year, but if you don’t have sunglasses, you need a pair for driving or walking around being pretentious. Don’t worry, a pair of sunglasses isn’t exactly going to set you back (unless you are a hipster and insist on $500 shades)

• Formulate a driving playlist

You’re going to be driving around with your windows down, and it’s important to note that we live in a world now where you listen to your own music far less than the thumping music of random passerby drivers.

For conventional references, turn on mtvU. If your ears do not bleed after five minutes, you should be relatively safe when others play their favorite tunes. Not your style? Take a more classic approach and listen to VH1 Classic for half an hour for inspiration. If all else fails, play songs that are played at all weddings and/or death metal, aka “baby-eating music.”

• Promote skin cancer

There’s something about bronze skin that makes you better than normal people. If you find actual sunlight a primitive source, then you can cook yourself in a personal chamber for a small time every once in a while; it’s cheaper than you think. You won’t have to worry about pesky tan lines — if you plan on having people see you naked often — you might look like a leather bag when you’re 40, but that’s like . forever away.

• Do you have a lanyard?

If you do, throw it away. They’re acceptable at the Student Recreation and Wellness Center, but you don’t need them anywhere else. You don’t.

• Eliminate spare tire

If you ate as much as I did during the winter, you might have inexplicably gained some pounds throughout the cold months. I kind of spent most of winter perched in my Eagles Landing roost, only getting the motivation to shoot hoops or pump the guns intermittently. How can I avoid this necessity anymore? It’s springtime, and that implies the need to be all fancy-looking — and since I don’t understand and can hardly pronounce the word diet, I will just have to sweat the lazy punk out of me.

• Utilize tree shade

If you get the sudden urge to study, sit underneath a tree and open up a book. These little moments create the perfect snapshot for college recruiting pamphlets or videos. No introduction to college is complete without a picture of someone sitting under a tree. Make sure you are chewing on a pencil, deep in thought. You could also have a pencil on your ear, one stuffed in your hat, one in your free hand — the more pencils, the better.

Whether you heed my fine advice or not, enjoy the weather ahead of us. I know finals are coming, but try not to stress out, too.

Ron Soltys hopes people understand the concept of satire. Debate lanyards with him at [email protected].