Hey you, here’s my card

Kristine Gill

My sister failed to get me a present for my 20th birthday this past St. Patrick’s Day. She redeemed herself slightly during our trip to the local thrift store when she graciously picked up the tab on my $2 find; the second edition of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating by Dr. Judy Kuriansky,” published in 1999.

I don’t think I’m as embarrassed as I should be to own this book. Anyone who lets a book call them an “idiot” must really need its expert guidance on that subject. I wouldn’t call myself an idiot when it comes to dating, but I could always use some pointers.

And as it turns out, Katie’s generous gesture may just prove to be worth more than face value. What I have gleaned from this book during my not-so-thorough skim through has been both eye-opening and inspiring, and I’d like to share some things with you now.

First of all, if you’re single and worried about finding someone, don’t be. Dr. Kuriansky assures me that 50 million people across America are single as of the book’s publication. They range in age from 20 to 55. I was greatly comforted by this news, and I’m eager to expand my interests to include members of different generations.

You’ve most likely met one of those singles. In fact, you probably have your eye on one in particular. There are roughly a bajillion methods you could try to ensnare your bounty. There are twice as many ways to screw up the date you finally get with him or her. I can’t cover every scenario or topic, but here are some of my favorite tips.

1.) The book says that, “Research indicates that the brain plays a large role in our experience of love.” I wonder if this information is as shocking for you as it was for me. I had no idea dating had anything to do with anything other than primal instincts, but that’s why Dr. Kuriansky suggested intriguing your target with brain teasers. Here’s her example: A baby fell out of a 20-story building and didn’t get hurt. Why not? Because it only fell out the first floor window.

If the thought of falling out of a first floor window and not getting hurt doesn’t tease your brain, chances are you’ve fallen from a higher window. I’d like to meet that baby and the patch of concrete beneath that window.

2.) If discussion of babies and concrete fall under your definition of taboo conversation topics, and you don’t appreciate the riddle, there are ways to kindly reject the person’s advances. Dr. Kuriansky suggested saying something like, “Please don’t take this personally, but I don’t feel like talking right now.” Let me know how he/she responds to that.

3.) Dr. Kuriansky said you should only make three attempts at securing a date with someone before moving on. The fourth attempt borders on desperate and the fifth seems obsessive and creepy. I’ve heard that you can be arrested for making the sixth attempt.

4.) The book also included a list of ways to keep in touch with lovers in the “New Age.” If Facebook, cell phones and instant messenger aren’t enough for you, try using car phones, beepers or fax machines to contact loved ones. Rumor has it that participants of the Pony Express are experiencing resurgence in popularity, should you opt for a more familiar and reliable method of communication.

5.) Have business cards made. Yes. And pass them out to potential dates. I think this is a great idea. Nothing says, “I consider you dateable,” like neatly printed contact information.

These tips are only a sampling of the wealth of insight packed into “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating.” I assure you that practically all of the information in this book is actually useful, and that I’ve just extracted the more intriguing pieces.

Happy dating, Kent State.

Kristine Gill is a sophomore newspaper journalism major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].