12 holiday gifts from the Grinch

David Yochum

I’ve waited four and a half years to deliver these, and damn it feels better to give than to receive!

Rather than feed Daily Kent Stater readers a typical senior column (insert I love these people for shaping my life, best years ever, shout out, special times blah blah blah), I decided there was only one way I could show Kent how much I truly cherished my time here.

I bought memorable people in the Kent community 12 gifts for the holiday season!

Just so we’re clear, there is no need to thank me for the gifts. I’m just giving what a lot of students would give if only they had the chance.

And I do apologize. It’s rude to give some people more gifts than others and spoil the holiday fun.

But it’s up to you — open the gifts now or wait. I just couldn’t find a place to hide them any longer!

Happy Holidays!


The Grinch

-To the Kent City Police — a piggy bank! Without you, the most overzealous police force in America, the city of Kent would be broke.

-To the racist white kids in Kent — toilet paper and a New York City Metrocard! Make sure you wipe your pants after taking that first spin in the real world.

-To Kent apartment owners — crossed fingers! You better pray real professionals never move into town and build quality apartments.

-To President Lefton — three gifts!

First, a pair of circular ornaments. Somebody of your stature should already have these, but leaders with a pair are regarded for taking risks and thinking outside-the-box.

And a map of Franklin Hall! In Franklin, you’ll find some of the best mass communication professors in the country. Visit them before you pen another weekly e-mail.

-To the Kent State athletics department — a state-of-the-art, multi-purpose basketball arena! Top university athletic programs coupled with new facilities generate loads of money, attention and recruits (see Petersen Events Center, University of Pittsburgh). This will be your savior.

-To Kent State grounds crew — statues and a campus pond! This place will look like a legitimate university when you clamp down those statues of someone famous. If that doesn’t work, at least students have a token pond for relaxation (the cement-block waterfall surrounded by cement plaza doesn’t count).

-To Kent City Council and friends — a digital camera! Take a picture! Your inability to think logically and move a city forward will have Kent looking the same 20 years from now. Want revitalization? Provide financial assistance to young entrepreneurs who can adapt big-city ideas for an untapped market.

-And to the out-of-state kids who hate everything about Northeast Ohio and want to go home — hope! People do what they have to do to survive and grow. For better and worse, Kent made me prove I can do both.

David Yochum is a graduating magazine journalism major. He looks for the diamond inside to find his wealth.

Contact him at [email protected].