Where have all the Republicans gone?

Doug Hite

As an American society, we have grown increasingly united with one common purpose: hating George Bush and his cronies. I know, some people are still big fans of Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and the big man himself; but you must admit that a pro-Bush viewpoint is becoming increasingly unpopular. Anyway, if you are still idolizing Dick Cheney, you have a lot more to worry about than the popularity of your viewpoints.

Unfortunately for us “Bush-bashers” — it has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? — hating the most conservative of politicians is becoming increasingly difficult: not because they are no longer making widely disfavored and execrated decisions, but because they’re dropping like flies.

The Republicans we love to hate the most have taken the first bus out of D.C., some by force and some by choice — like Karl Rove, who decided to quit working in the White House so he can spend more time stifling the rights of his friends and family.

Alberto Gonzalez is no more. Last week, he resigned after a brief, yet controversial role as U.S. Attorney General. Upon resignation, Gonzalez cited that he has “lived the American dream.” Evidently the American dream is somewhere between supporting domestic spying and firing six U.S. attorneys and not remembering doing it. It seems to me that if you have dreamt the American dream, you would probably remember it the next morning.

That’s not the worst of it though. In the past few months, more than one Republican legislator has been encased in controversy. Of course, we have all heard the news about Sen. Larry Craig, who was caught playing footsie with the undercover officer in the restroom stall next to him. Footsie, by the way, is evidently public restroom code for “Hi, I think you’re cute. Let’s have lewd anonymous public sex.”

However, Sen. Craig’s predicament looks classy in comparison to that of Florida state Rep. Bob Allen who was serving as co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign. In July, Rep. Allen was charged with offering yet another undercover officer his special Republican lip-service for $20 in a public restroom. With prices like that, no wonder McCain’s campaign is in financial duress.

So, what can the Republican Party do to make a comeback before the next election? This question is premised on the assumption that the Republican Party can make a comeback at all. Playing devil’s advocate, I’ll say that they can.

First of all, stop trying to get freaky with undercover cops in public restrooms. Seriously, guys. I thought you were classier than that. I’m not expecting you to go to charm school, I just think that if you’re going to have anonymous gay sex, there’s bound to be a more dignified way to go about it.

Second, stop doing crazy secretive stuff that scares me. I’m talking to you, Cheney. I’d like to think that you’re not doing anything illegal or immoral, so just be completely honest with us so I can put my paranoid mind at ease.

Lastly, start conducting yourselves like statesmen. You’re the leaders of this great nation. Stop acting like a bar skank, a Batman villain or the crappy boss that fires everyone for no good reason. It’s not hard to be a moral person. And if you’re a moral person, it’s not hard to be well-liked. Start focusing on what’s important. Start leading this country again.

Doug Hite is a junior English major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected]