Blow, Lindsay, blow

Adam Griffiths

This is going to sound horrible, but I don’t know whether to feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan.

Yes, her situation may well be the epitome of the media-made monster versus the media, and I almost feel bad about that. But as one of my best friends put it, “I like her cracked out. It makes for good television.”

And the headlines!

“From Rehab to Arrest in 11 Days” – People

“Lindsay Lohan: An Arresting 2007 Timeline” – Washington Post

I think Perez Hilton put it best in his blog: “We’d just like to thank god for giving us the best gossip week ever!”

Poor thing.

Possession of cocaine. Driving under the influence. Driving with a suspended license. Where do you draw the line?

I mean, no matter how much money you’re making off the gig and the press you’ll get from it when you’re out, spending your 21st birthday in rehab must really suck. And if you didn’t feel sorry for her by this point, the heartfelt message released by Lindsay’s mother, Dina, will definitely break your heart.

“Our thoughts and prayers go out to all families who have had to see a family member through tough times . We will get through this together, and it will make our family stronger.”

Please. After 30 days at Los Angeles’ Wonderland Center rehab facility and 16 at Promises in Malibu, it’s safe to say Lindsay’s problems run deeper than those of your typical Hollywood luminary.

You never saw Paris Hilton getting drunk, snorting, stealing a stranger’s car and leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 100 mph. I can’t believe I’m saying this, because the heiress sure didn’t do much for then-newly divorced Britney Spears, but maybe Lohan could learn a thing or two from the way Paris seems to be turning over a new leaf.

I don’t know whether there is a point when the paparazzi puts down its cameras and intervenes on behalf of a celebrity’s well-being. Hopefully, this is the final straw, and the girl will see the light at the end of the tunnel. But let’s call black, black. I mean, really, are the Olsen twins eating properly? The tabloids need to have something to cover because no one is making money on real news these days.

Or maybe it’s time to come clean in all sorts of ways. Maybe she really is drowning in drugs in the Hollywood hills. Maybe the Lohan family needs to stop bickering with each other and the media and focus its attention on Lindsay. (Even though I sure would like to see “The Lohans” on MTV next spring.)

All things considered, the girl needs to get her life together. Twenty-one is surely too young to die or be killed off by one’s own fame. What happened to the little girl who starred in Disney’s remake of The Parent Trap only nine years ago?

One thing’s for sure – I know who’s killing Lindsay Lohan. And while you’re figuring it out, go see her new movie. It barely took in $3 million when it opened last weekend.

And the rumor was she’s planning on starting her new album in August.

“Jailhouse Rock, Part Deux,” anyone?

Adam Griffiths is a sophomore magazine journalism major and a columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].