Professional wrestlers: Think of the children

Bob Mackeyÿ

Throughout the history of popular culture, the children of America have been victimized by various fads and novelty items.

Hula hoops taught them how to thrust their hips, making the sexual revolution that came in the following decade all the more enjoyable.

Rock music informed children that freak status was not limited to the circus shows by that very name; they soon found out dangerous behavior and abnormal appearances made preying on the opposite sex easier than saying the words “hidden piercing.”

And the Grand Theft Auto videogame series proved that any act of mayhem is possible, so long as no one locks their car doors.

But perhaps the most pressing danger children face is professional wrestlers.

No, not professional wrestling. The sport itself is fine and safe for children to view, thanks to multi-millionaire carnies such as Vince McMahon, who rope in their beast-men when they get out of control. When a wrestler breaks the bonds of the squared circle, however, all bets are off. And you shouldn’t even be betting on wrestling because it’s fake.

Because wrestlers present a danger to children, and to a greater extent, our society, I have assembled the following list of tips that may keep you safe from wrestlers. Please note: The Stater does not endorse combat with large, face-painted men.

1. If you see a wrestler, find a grown-up. If you are a grown-up, you’re probably out of luck. I suggest you find a bigger grown-up or a gun with hollow-point bullets.

2. Do not share your soda can with a wrestler. This is not because the mouths of wrestlers are a veritable Garden of Eden for communicable disease (even though they are). All I’m saying is if a wrestler is close enough for pop can sharing, he’s definitely close enough to murder you with his bare hands. It’s just common sense, people.

3. Avoid large quantities of dry ice and lasers. And don’t go near smoke machines. Few people know that, when out of the ring, wrestlers craft small nests made of lasers and smoke. If you happen upon one of these by the roadside, start running and never look back. If a heavy metal song that hasn’t had airplay since 1987 starts booming from the wrestle nest, know the wrestler is about to emerge and deliver a fatal suplex.

4. If you are angry about wrestlers, don’t be interviewed about it in front of a brick wall or backstage. This should be obvious to anyone who has ever watched wrestling. If you find yourself shouting at a small man – who happens to be wearing a tuxedo and holding a microphone – about how much you hate wrestlers, be aware that a wrestler is just seconds away from hitting you with a garbage can or a golf cart.

Finally, even if children do manage to keep safe from wrestlers, there’s still the danger of these na’ve souls being corrupted by the actions of their heroes.

In just a decade, we could be surrounded by a population of former youngsters who think there’s comedic value in a terrible murder-suicide.

And that would be the real shame.ÿ

Bob Mackey is a graduate student in English and a columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].