I’m going to win the Mega Millions jackpot.

Here’s how.

It’s the No. 1 book on USA Today’s bestseller list. The DVD is No.1 in sales on Amazon.com. So just what is “The Secret”?

Well, Rhonda Byrne’s book promises everything from heart-pounding romance to limitless wealth and success. According to the research conducted by the bleach-blonde Aussie, this “secret” has been in limited circulation for quite some time. People who have used it to their benefit include an impressive who’s-who of legendary thinkers ranging from Beethoven to Da Vinci.

The overarching theme of “The Secret” is the law of attraction. Feeling good generates a signal that attracts other good feelings. In the DVD, self-made men and women attest to the notion that the universe is “dumb” and, like an obedient old dog, will do whatever you will it to. So, in a sense, Byrne is telling us we’re the all-powerful gods of this realm – we just didn’t know it.

Whatever is going on in your mind, you are attracting it. The images you hold upstairs are drawn to you. If you want and solely concentrate on happiness, health and wealth – it’s all yours.

The only thing standing in your way is your own doubt.

According to “The Secret,” feeling flustered, anxious and beaten will bring you more of the same. It’s important to abandon any sense of doubt, guilt or resentment, as these feelings make you feel powerless and in turn give off those bad vibes the universe responds accordingly to. Singing or putting on some uplifting music is suggested to generate positive thoughts. Or just go to your happy place.

It’s not that these ideas – knowing what you want, going for what you want and believing in your ability to realize these ambitions were any big secret before this boom in book and DVD sales. Motivational speakers have been saying this stuff for years, but it’s likely the presentation of these ideas, presenting humans as godly antennas that can manipulate their own reality through thought, that is so appealing to the masses who are literally ‘buying in’ to this. Saying “I’m godly” feels wrong to say, and it’s one reason why religious factions are cursing the wildly popular self-help secret that is officially out.

If you want to get an idea of what everyone’s raving about, you can watch “The Secret” for free on Youtube. It’s only the first 20 minutes, but really, it becomes redundant after that anyway.

My own eye-opening experience with “The Secret” started off last Monday. I was focused on how badly I didn’t want Joakim “The Rat Prince” Noah and the rest of the media-hyped Gators to beat The Ohio State University. I guess the “dumb” universe felt the negative vibrations I was manifesting and, subsequently, my nightmare was realized. The Rat Prince smiled widely and the bushy tail on the back of its head bounced obnoxiously as it reveled in the victory that, according to my understanding of “The Secret,” may have been brought about by my own ever-powerful doubt. Yes, I take the blame. Sorry, Greg Oden – my bad.

So I’m going to try the whole “being positive” aspect from now on. I figure if I really want to win the Mega Millions (and I kind of really do), I’ll win it.

Based on the signals I’m emitting to the big, dumb universe, it should happen by next Friday’s drawing.

I’m pretty psyched about it.

Ryan Szymczak is a changed man and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].