‘Desperate Housewives’

ABC, Sundays at 9 p.m.

Seriously guys, why is this show still on the air?

Season three’s mystery concluded a couple episodes ago, and since then nothing has happened to further any major plotlines, and as enjoyable as certain moments are in any given episode, is that really any excuse to keep going?

On the Susan front, has anything changed? She’s got a choice between the son of a crossdresser or a plumber whose acting is so wooden you could nail pictures to him, just like a few weeks ago.

With Lynette, the pizza place is still open, and the big suspenseful moment in all the commercials with Tom seemingly dead on the floor turned out to be that he tripped and threw his back out. The writers seemed so desperate (heh heh) to make it seem important that the doctors seemed to threaten Lynette to take it seriously.

Well, Bree is gone, but Andrew is still hanging around. I miss you, girl!

And then there is Gabby and the suitor old enough to be her grandfather. Uh, yeah, it’s gross and I think the less said about that storyline the better. I’d rather have Zack Young and his hair flip over old guy. Well, maybe not.

The only character whose storyline interests me at all is Edie, and not because of her out-of-nowhere offspring that she leaves playing in streets with basketballs, or her burgeoning romance with Carlos. I love Edie’s storyarc because Nicollette Sheridan actually has sold me on all these hilariously bad plot developments without batting an over-mascaraed eye. I inherently know the sudden appearance of that brat or her stripping scene for Carlos are overly contrived, and yet Sheridan is selling me on them because she can (gasp) act.

If you would have asked me at the beginning of the season who the MVP would be, I would have never said Sheridan, but at least she knows how to mark time well before hopefully something happens in the season finale.

‘The Amazing Race: All Stars’

CBS, Sundays at 8 p.m.

I know I haven’t checked in with “The Amazing Race: All Stars” all season, and there is a simple reason for that: I haven’t been watching. Blame the bad scheduling time of 8 p.m. on Sunday and those bloody sports games that delay the show.

But I decided to jump back in last week and stick with it, and I still love the show as much as I ever did, even if there was little suspense due to the fact that Uchenna and Joyce were two days behind everyone else. So far, in fact, that the editors couldn’t even pretend that they were in the running. Poor guys, I would say I’m going to miss them but they already won their million so I can’t be too upset.

Instead, let’s mock the team’s choices at that detour! Okay, now I’m giving you the choice between two tasks: Stamp something 15 times or bite every cookie in 900 boxes of cookies. Of course most of the teams chose cookies . because they are dumb!

I do love how each team is a sitcom couple more than ever before. Even the teams that are bickering or annoying are hilariously funny.

Take Charla and Mirna, when they had to collect eight feet of newspapers and declared that the children watching were the “future Charla and Mirnas of the world” and told the children not to do drugs and stay in school. Ha!

Or Oswald and Danny, who bickered quite a bit over the episode, but the one-liners kept coming strong. Even the token jock team of Eric and Danielle are rather funny, and not just because of his ugly nipple rings.

So yeah, I’m going to be glued to the screen again and screaming along like always now that I’ve been hooked back in. And it doesn’t really matter if I miss a few minutes of “Desperate Housewives” in the process, it’s not like anything major is going to happen.

Contact ALL correspondent Robert Taylor at [email protected].