And the Lord said, ‘Let there be a high GPA’

Ryan Szymczak

There are signs the end is near. If you but only open your eyes, crawl out of bed and force yourself to class, you’ll see they’re everywhere.

First, it’s been written when all unexcused absences are used up, and your cup spillith over with Jazzman’s Antigua blend coffee, troubling times doth loom. So true, so true.

Nostradamus is even speculated to have possibly written in one of his undiscovered quatrains the following: “And the letters before and after E will flood the collective conscience of the student body; they will lose the ability to dream, for there can be no sleep upon semester’s end.” Interesting. This too, is true. Fear of a low GPA has been proven to generate mass hysteria and a loss of sleep. However, the next part of this undiscovered quatrain is even more unsettling:

“An earthquake registering at 3.6 will make underachievers sick, for they can only wave g’bye to the notion of a GPA that high. They’ll scurry about, hoarding energy drinks to help them think, making haste to cram the knowledge of their neglected texts, but alas it’s too late” Wow. This earthquake just happened!

The Bible, when wildly interpreted, even touches on Kent State’s final days of the Spring 2007 semester: In Timothy Chapter 3, verses 1-5, it indicates how people will act in the last days. Here we see that they “will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up [with pride], lovers of pleasures.” It’s almost like it spells out “Kent students” in there. Scary.

There is rampant speculation and anticipation of one final break where students will have a chance to remedy their situations before the last weeks run their course. It seems some will ignore this final chance, though.

Instead, I quote the scraggly-haired-kid who showed up to class recently to bestow upon anyone with ears his spring break intentions. He couldn’t wait until spring break, at which time he said he would “roll J’s all day.” While there’s hope he can pull a 360 and turn this whole thing completely around for himself, “he’ll likely focus on his X-Box 360 instead,” said Common Sense. I wish you well scraggly-haired-kid. May your current J’s take your mind off a future of other, less pleasant letters.

Finally, and this is the most convincing evidence that this semester will come to an end, the university’s “official” calendar, interestingly enough, points out the “official” final day of the semester as May 6. Final examinations will be the week of May 7 through the 13. Yes, here we see the mystical numbers of 7 and 13. Two odd numbers, both prime – eerie.

There are those out there who claim “this semester will never end.” But like a loud, lost middle-aged man wandering aimlessly outside the MAC Center, repelling cringing campus crawlers and handing out apocalyptic-themed pamphlets, I assure you, it’s all coming to an end.

So spend your time wisely.

It’s close. Too close …

Ryan Szymczak is a junior English Major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].