COLUMN: Cheers to John Ellis

Allen Hines

Watch out for the wet spots. Bush supporters have been peeing themselves since John Ellis Bush was arrested for public intoxication in Austin, Texas, on Friday.

John Ellis Bush, the president’s nephew, reportedly went up to a group of police officers to ask about the arrest of some people he knew. The officers determined he was drunk and arrested him.

But Republicans should be happy. After all, this may be the first step to the presidency. On Sept. 4, 1976, a state trooper saw George W. Bush driving erratically, so the trooper pulled him over. Bush failed a field sobriety test and blew a .10 on a breathalyzer test. He pled guilty. He was fined and his license was suspended.

But now he’s the leader of the free world.

Celebrations are in order for John Ellis Bush. He has taken the first step to become president and the next Bush in the White House.

To be fair, the president’s daughters got drunk way before John Ellis. As a result, they should be a step ahead. But let’s face it. They’re girls, and they have no chance of being elected. It just won’t happen because many, if not most, of the “compassionate conservatives” believe a woman’s place is in front of the stove with a toddler hanging on each leg.

That said, John Ellis Bush still has a long way to go before he can take the presidency.

His next step is to have his father, Jeb Bush, pull some strings to get him put in a unit that will not be deployed to Iraq, and then shirk his duties. On June 7, 1968, our leader was set to lose his student deferment for the draft. At the time, there was a huge waiting list to get into the National Guard, one of the few respectable ways of avoiding deployment to Vietnam. Yet, even with this huge waiting list, Bush got in. And then, from May 1972 to May 1973, he failed to perform his duties.

Next, John Ellis Bush should dabble in cocaine. In 1972, current President Bush was arrested for cocaine possession. However, he avoided charges by agreeing to participate in an inner-city program in Houston. In the program, he volunteered at a charity for a year.

After doing lines off of Money magazine for a while, John Ellis should develop a hatred for the leader of some oil-rich country, perhaps Venezuela. Last year, Richard Clarke’s Against All Enemies detailed how President Bush demanded that he find some connection to Saddam Hussein and Iraq.

Hatred for an oil-rich country will help John Ellis Bush when he becomes president. It will help him exploit the country’s fear of terrorism and let him start another quagmire. And it will help to stabilize the country’s ability to kill our troops.

I can hardly wait the 14 years until he’s eligible to be president.

Allen Hines is a freshman pre-journalism and mass communication major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].