COLUMN: The official FAQ about Nick Moose

Nick Moose

Well, once again we’ve been sharted from the steamy butt crack of summer into the porcelain receptacle of the school year, and you know what that means — you get to read my column again you lucky bastards, you!

Of course some of you never read my column in the first place so, for your information, the Kent Stater is proud to present: The Nick Moose Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)!

It will refamiliarize old school fans and learn the uninitiated a thing or three about the wubulus world of Nick Moose.


Q. What the hell is Nick Moose’s view?

A. Nick Moose’s view is a whole bunch of awesome.

Q. Why the hell should I read it?

A. Because you’re bored. And it’s awesome.

Q. Is Nick Moose really Nick Moose’s name?

A. No. Nick Moose’s real name is Derek Octopus. Nick Moose is a clever pseudonym he came up with to stand out from the crowd.

Q. Will Moose go out on a date with me?

A. Yes.

Q. Is Moose eye-poppingly well-endowed, or does he just have genital elephantiasis?

A. You should go over to his apartment and find out.

Q. Does Moose actually get paid to write this crap?

A. Nick Moose is compensated by the Stater for his bi-monthly contributions, but not in the same fashion as the other more columnish columnists. They pay him in rocks.

Q. Was Snagglepuss gay?

A. The semi-popular Hanna Barberra lion character that made his debut on the “Yogi Bear Show” in the late 60’s, or something, is rumored to be a homosexual. This has not been confirmed.

Q. How many cats does Moose have?

A. Moose believes that all the world’s cats belong to the world, so in a manner of speaking Moose has everyone’s cat. So, like a whole bunch.

Q. Who would win in a fight: the Predator or Optimus Prime from “The Transformers”?

A. Though the Predator would undoubtedly lose against the hulking autobot, he could probably shred every last one of “the Go-Bots.” The Go-Bots are pusses.

Q. How many times a day does Moose actually masturbate?

A. That depends entirely on how many times a day Moose chances to find himself in a room with fewer than three other people. And then on how many of them are facing in his direction.

Q. What is Moose’s favorite flavor of ice cream?

A. Manatee.

Q. Favorite color?

A. Manatee.

Q. Favorite animal?

A. He doesn’t have one.

Q. Will Moose get laid this semester?

A. There’s a first time for everything.

Q. How many copies of Lindsay Lohan’s album does Moose own?

A. All of them.

Q. What political party is Moose affiliated with?

A. Whichever one the Kool-Aid man belongs to.

Q. Is Moose really a kind of a Muppet operated and voiced by Frank Oz (the guy who did Yoda and Gonzo)?

A. No!

Q. Did Moose take my lawn decoration, gorilla costume, collection of action figures, daughter’s virginity, etc?

A. Sorry folks, but in the name of myth and mystery, I think some questions are better left unanswered.

Nick Moose is a junior basket weaving major and funny time joke writer for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].