‘Marxist Thinking for Dummies’

Jeff Schooley

The Stater’s Forum page strives to provide diverse opinions, hoping that all sides are represented fairly and that such a stance will best encourage a campus-wide dialogue about whatever topic demands societal attention. For the most part, this paper has been able to achieve this with stunning success. However, some of you may have noticed a recent influx of columnists with socialist leanings. Of course, the Kent chapter of the International Socialist Organization is now a year or two old as an official student organization and it seems reasonable that we’d see more socialist opinions. But many of you want to know exactly how a socialist comes to his or her conclusions. Well, here is a look into the mind of your average socialist:

I heart Marx. Marx is God.

Man, I just wish the bourgeoisie of this campus would let go and realize the importance of making sure every student — shoot, every person — has the exact same amount of stuff.

Mmm … Marx.

Furthermore, I don’t understand why the International Socialist Organization, in combination with Student Anti-Racist Action and the Kent State Anti-War Committee, haven’t been able to subvert this entire campus and turn it into the socialist empire I know it wants to be. I’m fairly confident that students want to pay less, see no war, get rid of anything that breathes a prejudice that isn’t their own and shut down all activity except for lectures from former hippies who got a thesaurus and became an orator.

What time do I work in the Student Center today cleaning tables?

Mmm … Marx.

Also, why are we spending so much time on things like art, when art’s only purpose is to inspire people to revolution? As best I can tell, only one movie came out in the past year that’s worth anything and, frankly, I’m tired of watching The Motorcycle Diaries.

Mmm … Marx.

Well, let’s check out the Stater today. At least we’ve been able to inundate it with enough propaganda to turn it into a veritable Revolutionary Worker…

Oh, my Marx!! I can’t believe Tony Cox wrote that! He’s a … a … cock! Ha! I might have to use that in a poorly drafted letter to the editor that will feature 14 names (the same 14 names that were on the last three letters and they’re all my friends … oh, well, the revolution is still upon us).

Wait! What’s this? Is there another conservative voice? Jeff Schooley! Son of a! Frickin’! Frackin’! What the hell is happening here! Marx damn it!

How are we going to get rid of Bush … and Cheney … and Republicans … and most of the Democrats … and liberty … and, wait! I mean, did I say liberty? Ha! Um … what a weird slip. I like liberty. I do, even if half of my views would grow government to an infringing level of control. That must have been a slip or some part of the Patriot Act that makes me think conservative thoughts. Maybe I should watch The Motorcycle Diaries again.

Mmm … Marx.

Well, friends, there’s your socialist thought pattern.

P.S. I don’t think socialists think this way. I don’t think they think.

Jeff Schooley is an increasingly angry columnist, despairing at the loss of any real thinking by the political left. He’s also a graduate student in English and a columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].