WEB EXCLUSIVE COLUMN: Vote for Ann Coulter in 2008

Don Norvell

The greatest scourge of American politics is that 95 percent of voters limit themselves to the same two political parties that have been ruining our country for more than 70 years. I do my part by voting for the Constitution and Libertarian parties, but everyone else is content with the two small armies of incompetent imbeciles.

I fear, one day, that I must run for president myself.

I will be eligible to run in 2016, but being a viable candidate forces me to finish school, have a real job for a while and serve a few terms as a governor or a senator first. I need more time.

In the spirit of Ronald Reagan, I asked a tarot card reader when I should run, and she said 2024.


Hillary Clinton wins in 2008 and 2012, causing the Second Great Depression.

Jeb Bush wins in 2016 and 2020, causing the Second Civil War.

As any idiot could predict, the 2024 election will be George P. Bush versus Chelsea Clinton. If an independent candidate cannot win then, the United States will have become a lost cause.

This gives me plenty of time to build up my resume. Since my campaign funds will be quite limited, I must start campaigning now.

Party: God Damn Independent

Vice President: Paul Marnecheck

Campaign theme song: “Elected” by Alice Cooper

Campaign catch phrase: Massive government downsizing

My Platform:

– Congressional term limits: Electing the same parties is bad enough. Electing the same people for decades to the same office reflects just how lazy and apathetic the people truly are.

– Judicial job review: The Constitution sets the judicial tenure as “good behavior.” To hinder Congress’s ability to make more dumb laws, we need a procedure of periodic review to weed out activist judges more efficiently.

– Repeal laws, not make laws: Too many laws and government agencies are unconstitutional. They must be repealed.

– Pay principle on national debt: Repealing agencies will save administrative costs. Selling the vacated buildings will generate extra revenue to finally pay principal on the national debt, not just interest as is done now.

– Cut taxes: After repealing agencies and paying the national debt, there will be plenty of room for a tax cut that will put the Bush tax cut to shame.

– Border security: Many believe that the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo requires an open border. Article 16 of the treaty allows us to fortify any position on our side of the border for our national security.

– States’ rights: Congress loves blackmailing the states into making silly laws (i.e., raising the drinking age to 21) by threatening to withhold subsidies (i.e., highway maintenance funds), which is unconstitutional. If not stopped, legislative blackmail could terminate our federalist system of government.

This platform will be explained in greater detail as my career as a blowhard continues.

I look forward to pissing you all off in the fall.

I wish you all God’s speed on your finals, a kick-ass summer and success in whatever comes thereafter.

And yes, I am threatening to run for President in 2024!

Don Norvell is a physics graduate assistant and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Send your complaints to [email protected].