The outcome of this column is up to you

Nick Moose's view

You know what the problem is with most of the columnists in this paper of ours? Everything is all about them. It’s always, “I think this,” or “My opinion about such and such is etc.,” or “I’m going to forsake all conventional forms of religion and worship the floating head from ‘Zardoz,’ so you should, too.”

Well, the last time I checked, this was America, and America is the birthplace of Burger King and Burger King says to the public, “You should have it your way.”

(Burger King also says you should eat a sandwich that consists of the most bacon ever and an entire wheelbarrow full of eggs and sausage, but we’ll let that one slide.)

What I’m getting at here, kids, is that the Burger King law applies to this column. It’s going to be a sort of a “Choose your own adventure,” meets “Mad Libs” kind of a deal.

At several pivotal intervals throughout, you, the reader, will be given the choice of what you want me, Nick Moose, to say.

Just think, when it’s all said and done, you can say you had a say in what Nick Moose thinks about “LeBron’s Lightning Lemonade.”

So the other day I was:

a) masturbating

b) flossing

c) masturbating a woolly spider monkey that was flossing

while simultaneously watching an almost consistent barrage of commercials about ringtones on the boob tube, when the unthinkable occurred.

A different sort of commercial appeared — one that wasn’t as interested in seeing to it that my phone makes an incredibly irritating cartoon-character-being-chainsawed-to-death noise every time it rings.

This ad wanted me to put in my mouth a new type of Bubblicious brand chewing gum, one that is endorsed by none other than the young adult that Time magazine has probably dubbed “The most great and powerful human being ever from America” or something, LeBron James.

I was:

a) horrified

b) aroused

c) a pirate

at first, but then I started pondering.

If LeBron can have a gum, why can’t I?

I may not be as good of a basketball player as he is, but I’m considered pretty powerful in some circles, such as the one that consists of my cats, for example. I think I could bring something fresh to the Bubblicious table.

The problem with LeBron’s gum, is that when he was designing it in his secret laboratory, he forgot that some people don’t like lemonade and a bunch more people hate lightning.

Everyone, however, will enjoy:

a) Nick’s pine-banana erection

b) Nick’s rocket sled of orangish … gum

c) Nick’s gum that tastes like Lindsay Lohan’s nether regions

The commercial for it is going to show me standing next to a gorilla that’ll be defecating kind of a lot all over the set, and I’ll be like, “You’ll go ape shit for this gum!”

So be on the lookout for that, folks, and remember:

a) take care of yourselves and each other.

b) have your pets spayed and/or neutered.

c) I have a golf ball-sized growth on my left testicle.

Nick is a senior. We think. We’re sure he must be majoring in something. Contact him at [email protected].