This month’s deaths in threes: The good, the bad and the ugly

Jeff Schooley

Monthly Kent Satire

The continued, disturbing trend in celebrity deaths has resulted in another cessation of life for three worldwide known men and women. This “set” (to borrow a term from poker) consists of Pope John Paul II, Johnnie Cochran and Terri Schiavo — a group that has been called by some otherwise cynical satire writers — the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good: Pope John Paul

Pope John Paul II died after a long struggle with illness. Many thought he would die even up to five years ago, but God saw it fit to keep him around a little longer. We can only assume that doing so probably saved the world from self-annihilation. Certainly the “leader” of the free world hasn’t done too much to prevent the world’s end.

The Bad: Johnnie Cochran

Johnnie Cochran died at the age of 67, causing many to exclaim, “He was 67!” Beyond the shock that Cochran was so old (this phenomena was explained as “Black don’t crack”), many felt fear and terror seize them at news of his passing, particularly a rich rapper who used to date a Latina goddess with ass for weeks and a former football star who really, in retrospect, wasn’t that great of a running back.

The Ugly: Terry Schiavo

Finally, the tumultuous life of Terri Schiavo came to an end after a nearly two-week sentence to starve to death by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, a court that some have described as not being able to find a certain southern body part with a flashlight.

It was a sad day this week as a lot of people died. However, not too many are worried that any of this will mean much next week, as the major cable TV news channels will find new fodder (not to be mistaken with news fodder, which might actually be worth something) on which to bore the nation into excitement.

Contact death reporter Jeff Schooley at [email protected].