Recently, some like-minded problem drinkers and myself ambled over to a nifty little establishment where we were actually offered beer samplers! I now believe, even more than I had before, that everything in life should come in sample form.

To kick-start the trend, I decided to compose, instead of my usual single column, three bite-sized ones for you to choose from.

You can read one of them, all of them or none of them! You can clip them out and trade them with your friends even though you’ll all already have the same ones! You can punch someone in the face! (Though you could have done that before, and it’s unrelated to anything — but it would be funny if you did it.)

Enjoy!

NOVELTY PORN: THE BEST THING EVER

The other day I was screening my treasured copy of the timeless film classic, Kung Fu Girls 2, as I often do on Valentine’s Day, and I arrived at an epiphany: Porn is good, but novelty porn is also at least just as good.

This inspired me to conceive of my own idea for a thematic adult movie. The working title is Thrust Mummies 4, but I don’t know if, legally speaking, I would have to make three others to justify calling it that.

In it, a group of mummies are on a road trip to Vegas when their van breaks down and they have to spend the night in an all-girls boarding school for future marine biologists.

It will go down in history as one of the only adult films made in Northeast Ohio to extensively feature four mummies simultaneously being masturbated by the same giant squid.

BIBLE MAN: NOT AS COOL AS NOVELTY PORN

Some of you probably didn’t read my column about the religious dinosaur rock ’n’ roll band TV show called “The Reppies” because it was an online exclusive, but the other day I saw an even more disturbing attempt at mixing Christianity with videotaped amateur theater — it was called “Bible Man.” You can check it out on Saturday afternoons on the Trinity broadcasting network.

Because of it, I now know that all churches have secret laboratories. Oh, and also that even though Jesus said to turn the other cheek when conflict arose, it was only because light-sabers had not yet been invented at that point.

THE WORLD’S FIRST RIPPABLE, DIPPABLE COLUMN

Hey America! I know what you like! You like ring tones, animals who are also DJs and being able to dip things into creamy substances! So, in an effort to improve the public opinion of my column, next week’s is going to come with an assortment of sauces that you can dunk it in! The flavors will relate to the humorous musings that can regularly be found populating my work. Now, you won’t just be reading Nick Moose’s View, you’ll be EATING Nick Moose’s View!

You can choose to dunk in “Chocolate Manatee,” “Lindsay Lohan” or “Me” flavored substance.

Just think, thanks to modern dip-ology, you no longer have to come all the way to my apartment to get a big creamy mouthful of Nick Moose.

Nick Moose is a senior adult film studies major and a humor columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. You can reach him at [email protected].