LERs for the college man

B. Gittings

This is advice for the single, male student body at Kent State from a formerly single Kent State male student. Two decades ago, I sat in the same classrooms you sit in, trying to pay attention to the subject matter while my heart rate was racing for the girl sitting in front of me wearing her “’80s Flashdance-style” torn sweatshirt (sans bra).

After 20-plus years in the real world, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Liberal Education Requirements (called General Education Requirements in my day) are in serious need of revision for guys. True, there was much to be said for learning the genius of Aeschylus (thank you, Cliffs Notes) in my Great Books class, but guys need some courses that will help us in our future relationship endeavors.

(If I remember correctly, Agamemnon got a sword right through the heart from his “lovely wife” Clytaemestra.)

So here are some suggested LERs for College Guys.

n Auto Mechanics I and II: Believe me, if you want to be a hero with your future wife/significant other (you know, the girl in class showing the latest addition to her “backside art gallery” complete with rear cleavage in those dizzying low-riders), these courses are a must. Imagine the gift you could buy her with the money you save by avoiding the greasy auto mechanic who’s quoting you a $2,000 repair bill when her car’s fuel pump or whatever goes out. Imagine your hero status that evening in the bedroom (or, on some nights for my wife, our pool).

n Home Mortgages I and Home Buying I: During my undergraduate days at Kent State in the 1980s, I never thought I would ever find myself in hock to the tune of at least $150,000 so my wife could decorate “our new house” the way she liked. And housing prices are still going up. It’s something to keep in mind when previously mentioned hot girl in class smiles and gives you that initial shy “Hello.”

n Furniture Making I, II and III: You’ll be thanking yourself over and over again after your significant other takes you for your first trip through Ethan Allen, where you’ll find out that the down payment money for your snazzy new Mustang GT convertible is about to be raided by your honey as her face lights up when she realizes how that $20,000 furniture set is going to look in the new house you just went into hock for.

n Understanding Human Female Emotions I and II: If there are courses that should be required by law for every red-blooded American male, these are it. They will help explain why your “thoughtful gift” (the Kellen Winslow autographed football you bought at the Browns game) got you a free night in the doghouse (and not the one at Cleveland Browns Stadium). These courses should help you avoid such relational disasters (dream on, pal).

As you can see guys, just about everything you will really need to learn in life is strictly for the pleasure of the lovely ladies in our lives. Again, it’s something you should keep in mind when you make your move on that sweet thing in the low-rider black pants.

B. (Hank) Gittings is a digital imaging and database systems analyst for NASA Kennedy Space Center in Florida. He graduated from Kent State in 1988.