Rumswolf; Secretary of Jerk

Nick Moose's view

Pop quiz time. What’s the one thing that all 16 people who read my column agree upon? Besides, of course, the fact that as middle-school students, they can’t believe they find the time to pick up their copies of the Stater and still get back before homeroom?

That’s right, they agree that my brand of humor is both tired and sophomoric.

Well, I have news for those junior high Philistines. I’m a senior now. That means, proportionately speaking, it’s high time I started writing at least at a junior level. This adds up to fewer Lindsay Lohan jokes and more outrageous, uninformed political opinions.

I mean, I’m a writer on a forum page of a college newspaper, and I’ve never written a single inflammatory statement about how George W. Bush is secretly a member of the Nazi Party and a kitten strangler.

So here I go. I stayed up all night thinking about it and this is it. My very first political opinion: Donald Rumsfeld is a jerk. And a werewolf.

Who does he think he is anyway? What’s this secretary of defense business? Is that even a real job? Or did he just make it up? I’ll bet he did.

Did you know one time he tried to kill Santa? I’m almost definitely sure I know this to be true. Also, he was 12 when this happened, which makes him the youngest person ever to make an attempt on Santa’s life.

For reasons I’d rather not get into, this leads me to believe that the legendary “Werewolf Arsonist” was, and is, Donald Rumsfeld.

For the benefit of the grotesquely uninformed, the “Werewolf Arsonist” was an arsonist who was also a werewolf. He would have looked exactly like Donald Rumsfeld if Donald Rumsfeld were younger, had fur glued on him and was in the process of destroying someone’s home.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking you miss the Lindsay Lohan jokes at this point. But, stick with me and we’ll consider the facts.

FACT: Rumsfeld has never even once said he wasn’t the “Werewolf Arsonist.”

FACT: When Rumsfeld was in college, he belonged to a known werewolf fraternity.

FACT: One time I made out with a girl in a car, listening to the John Mellencamp song, “Crumblin’ Down.”

Now I ask you, why didn’t I choose to make out with a girl with better taste in music? Or why didn’t we at least listen to “Jack and Diane”?

I’ll tell you why, folks. It was simply because the girl had very large boobs, and because I was too (ahem) preoccupied at the time to change the track on the CD.

What would you have done? Not made out with her? Granted, John Mellencamp had, at one point in his career, referred to himself as John “Cougar” Mellencamp, and that fact alone should be enough to disqualify him from pop culture altogether. But, I’m telling you, this girl’s breasts had an orbit separate from the Earth’s.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure Donald Rumsfeld is a werewolf. Well, I’m definitely sure that he’s the secretary of defense. I think.

Nick Moose is a senior creative procrastination major and a humor columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. He can be reached at [email protected].