iPods and summer sausages make or break resolutions

Bob Patrick

Each new semester brings with it new goals and commitments. Some students are focused on improving their academic standing, while others want to lose a few pounds by spring break.

“This year, I’m committed to completely disregarding my token resolutions by at least late February,” says junior unreliable transportation major Bill Crain. “I promised myself and my parents that I would get better grades this semester. Since I will almost certainly maintain my poor study habits and lax work ethic, I’ll probably get another 1.9 GPA again this semester. I can always resolve to pull myself out of the hole and stop wasting my parents’ money next semester.”

Despite good intentions, the absurd college proverb “you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party” seems to prevail.

Freshman antiquated appliance major Sasha Treemore asserts that her vacant commitment to actually attend class has nothing to do with wanting to have any sort of notion as to what is going on around her.

“Last semester, I had a 9:55 a.m. class on Friday morning, but since I made it a point to get belligerently drunk every Thursday night at my friend Otto’s apartment, I was rarely able to attend class due to massive hangovers. I always had to get the notes from this creepy guy who wore cowboy boots and smelled of Old Spice. I’ll go to class more often, but only until I can find a less creepy person who attends class regularly. This will allow me to renege on the whole going to class thing.”

Another resolution that falls by the wayside is getting into to shape and dropping a few pounds. After a long holiday break spent serving tables at Applebee’s and drinking copious amounts of beer with their old high school chums, many students tend to feel unfit. However, most people who were never fit to begin with usually decide it would be a good idea to do something about it around mid-January. Unfortunately, the dedication seems to be fleeting for those who were not lucky enough to receive a snazzy mp3 player for the holidays.

“We were really surprised with amount of patrons who were here to show off their new iPods. They also tried to justify the purchase of the neat thing that goes around your arm to hold it while you jog,” a recreation center employee said. “It’s exciting to see people so dedicated to showcasing their personal electronic devices and using the facility for its intended purpose.”

But for those who received gifts that were geared less towards fitness and more towards fatness, their motivation to stay physically fit was lacking. Tina Girth-Smith is completely devastated that one of her holiday gifts undermined her goal of losing weight this semester.

“I got a Hillshire Farm gift basket stuffed with summer sausages and smoked cheeses. Needless to say, I finished it in three days and gained 10 pounds. Now, I don’t want to leave my dorm room ever again.”

For so many, 2005 holds the promise of goals being met and the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that comes with a job well done. For everyone else, there is always next year, because nothing squanders motivation like procrastination!


Bob Patrick is a junior political science major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].