Editor’s note: The following piece contains satire. Some events mentioned in the piece are fictitious.

A recent journal was located detailing one Union soldier’s pondering if we had listened to former President Andrew Jackson, the American Civil War may have been avoided.

Here is that letter, and it comes at a curious time when President Doofus made some interesting comments about the Civil War:

Dearest Martha,

I am writing this letter to you in December of 1864, and I hope it reaches you in a timely fashion. Our company has just captured Savannah, Georgia, thanks to the heroic leadership and efforts of General Sherman, and the newspapers are already heralding it as a victorious effort from our boys in Union blue.

Why, one newspaper I came across coined it as the “March to the Sea,” a fitting title, I do reckon. I will share more details of this tiresome journey when I arrive home to you, our warm hearth and all 17 children of ours, most of whom will be picked off by yellow fever or wild bears before my return.

I have aged many lifetimes during this war, dearest Martha, and I fear I won’t return the same man I was when I left you, nor will I be the same man I was when we wed at the ripe old age of 9.

And they said we would never wed. Poppycock!

Anyway, this war was bloodier and more vicious than any of us could have imagined. It was a necessity that we fight to preserve the Union and free those who are bound by the shackles and crime against humanity that is slavery in this country.

Still, I ponder if a different outcome could have arisen, one where Civil War may have been avoided altogether. Why, if only we had had the great leadership of former President Andrew Jackson, who recently in 1860, said that a Civil War could be avoided by his intervention.

Never mind the fact that Jackson died in 1845 and was a ferocious slave owner for almost all his life and helped contribute to the Native American genocide in this country.

Facts be damned, Martha!

I say with the utmost certainty that Jackson may have ensured the preservation of the Union while avoiding war altogether. As I have a great deal of respect for the works of President Lincoln, he is by no means the kind-hearted go-getter that Jackson was.

I presume one day presidents will look back and ask the same question of Jackson, revering him with admiration that he deserves. Why, I had a dream the other night (a premonition if you will) that one day we’d have a president so misconstrued in his understanding of simple American history that he would pose such a question.

I just pray that he would not do such in a manner that millions of people would see his prominent lack of intelligence, making the leader of this free country look no smarter than a beheaded rattlesnake.

With no more than my fifth-grade education, I understand that, although I admire the man, it is evident that Jackson could not have prevented this conflict, as much as I wish he could have.   

No matter. With the likes of Lincoln, this country would never stoop so low to elect such a man in the future of the intelligence and ignorance of the man in my premonition.   

Martha, I must end this note now. Your love is my light in the darkness that has engulfed our nation, a glimmer of hope that says we will one day be reunited. I will sleep somewhat well knowing we are in the good hands of President Lincoln and General Sherman.

If this ever reaches you, send my love to the children and tend the harvest. Raise the children to be good citizens of this country and of this earth, for it is the only upbringing I have ever known.

Also, don’t forget to DVR “Better Call Saul” for me, because I’ve missed the last few episodes.

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].