Folks, if you love the union and preservation of this country, listen up. The following words inked in this column will be remembered as my own Abe Lincoln moment in my attempts to preserve the Union.

Hear me out.

It’s no secret that we are living in a time when this country is as divisive as it’s been in decades.

A generic feeling of doom and gloom engulfs myself and seemingly everything else more often on a daily basis than I can ever remember in my short life.

This hokey administration deciding that we aren’t going to play by the rules anymore. Republicans selling their souls for the aforementioned hokey administration in the name of tax reform.

Meanwhile, Democrats are standing by idly and begging for some small victory somewhere, unbeknownst to them that the well of small victories ran dry quite some time ago.

We need something that gives us a purpose to wake up in the morning and fight for a noble cause. Get up and go to work because my family needs me to? Hell no, I’m building my fallout bunker now, and there’s currently only room for yours truly.

Suffice it to say, we need something that brings us together — an issue that will unite people of all races, religions and socioeconomic backgrounds in this country.

And as if heaven-sent, I think I may have found such an issue that we can gravitate toward.

That, dear reader, is our shared hatred of the Pittsburgh Penguins and mutual disdain toward those (non-printable word) returning to the Stanley Cup Final.

Let’s review: The Penguins and their diving/flopping team, along with their godawful fan base, have returned to the Stanley Cup Finals and are looking to repeat as champions.

It’s pretty much the sports equivalent of His Orangeness being reelected in 2020 — everybody loses.

It took double-overtime in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals for this team to secure its spot over the Ottawa Senators.

Nevermind the fact that there were four blown calls by the officials against Pittsburgh in said overtimes — including a trip by center man and Putin sympathizer Evgeni Malkin, a missed slash call, an offsides and a high stick that went uncalled as well.

Oh, and they paused play when winger and slimy slug lookalike Phil Kessel got hit in the face by a puck from his own teammate!

But of course, it’s the Penguins, led by the most insufferable athlete in history, Sidney “It’s actually Cindy, ow my head hurts mommy” Crosby.

So all these egregious calls go unmarked, Pittsburgh wins the game and NBC’s hockey crew continues to fawn over them like some drunken dad who thinks the Hooters waitress is hitting on him.

You people make me sick.

Anyway, there is a glimmer of hope that lies a few hundred miles south in the form of the Nashville Predators, who are making their first appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals in franchise history.

They’re led by dynamite goalie Pekka Rinne, winger Filip Forsberg and defenseman/rocket launcher from the point P.K. Subban. This is an older video but watch the celebration after Subban’s goal; he’s a bad dude and fun as hell to watch.

The Predators are without Ryan Johansen, former Columbus Blue Jacket and arguably their best player throughout this playoff run, because of a leg injury, which is a damn shame.

They’re a fun team to watch, and they represent everything good in this world: anti-establishment (not like that idiot Trump), a sense of likeability and unrelenting passion for what they do.

Meanwhile, the Penguins represent all things bad in this world: pollution, poverty and terrorism.

If it’s bad and makes people upset, you can associate it with the Penguins.

Folks, I can’t think of a more opportune moment than this one to unite us. And if you can, I don’t want to hear it.

This is our chance to right the ship and get this country back on track and bring us closer as families, neighbors, lovers and citizens of this remarkable planet. All you have to do is root for the Nashville Predators — it’s that simple.

So ignore every Penguins fan for the next two weeks, especially those ones who are like “hey yinz, durr, what’s up yinzzers” and are drooling uncontrollably like the vile mouth breathers and lepers they are.

History will look back on this moment and ask what type of men and women we were in such times of crisis. I will know I did my duty as I drank beer and rooted for the Predators.

Only you can decide if your conscience will be similarly as clear.  

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected]