Editor’s note: The following piece contains satire. Some events mentioned in the piece are fictitious.

Just when I thought I’d seen it all at our beloved Kent State.

Hip-hop group Rae Sremmurd was scheduled to headline FlashFest after first appearing at the annual Kent State event just two years prior. That may all be in jeopardy after alleged reports of a shocking marijuana bust as the duo arrived at the university.

Sources adjacent to sources in the area stated that a pungent odor was reeking from the duo’s tour bus. Many students, heavily anticipating their arrival, stated they knew right away that the cause of the smell was likely the worst drug known to man: marijuana (cues ominous music).

I spoke to a local Drug Enforcement Administration agent, who agreed only to talk on the condition of anonymity, about the incident that transpired near the M.A.C. Center.

“Yeah, it was definitely some sticky icky, and my guess is that it’s a rare strain of Alabama Bumbleberry kush or sour diesel,” the agent said.

“We won’t know for sure until we get back and smoke it — I mean, uh, test it — in the lab,” the agent remarked nervously as he scarfed down a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.  

As of now, no charges have been brought against Rae Sremmurd, and a member of their entourage has reportedly taken the hit (see what I did there?) for the possession of the devil’s lettuce. It was good thinking by the group to have a “fall guy” in place, because, as Hall of Fame wide receiver Cris Carter alluded to, you need to have a fall guy for when these situations arise.

I was able to approach the tour bus and get a brief comment from Swae Lee, one of the members of Rae Sremmurd, on why exactly there was so much alleged marijuana on the tour bus.

I’m pretty sure I got a contact high being that close to the bus, but as a journalist and public servant, I would stop short of nothing to get the scoop.

“Look, we’re not exactly sure how it got on the bus, but after we saw that USG tweet saying ‘FlashFest + 4/20 = a good time, we presumed that’s what they were implying,” Lee said.

The tweet in question has since been corrected, and USG did issue an apology for remarks made on its social media account, which was clearly a playful attempt at humor.

Guys, leave it to the professionals like myself for these crude jokes.  

Kent State President Beverly Warren also questioned the motives of the message with a tweet of her own but took the apology in stride.  

In a week filled with bad public relations from United Airlines, Pepsi and ornery schnauzer/White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, USG will likely come out of this unscathed — USG’s stock prices have reportedly not suffered as a result of the incident.  

Thankfully, Rae Sremmurd is still expected to perform at FlashFest where students are encouraged to have fun and light up (editor rushes into office).

OK, I guess we at The Kent Stater are not encouraging anyone to perform illegal activities.

My bad guys, really almost dropped the ball on that one.  

But we do hope you have a safe and fun FlashFest and remember the importance of quality PR management. Because, even though President Cheeto thinks otherwise, not all PR is good PR, and not everything needs to be tweeted.

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].