Editor’s Note: The following column contains satire. Events mentioned in the piece are fictitious.

Wow.

This, quite frankly, is shocking. Just give me one more minute to wrap my head around this monumental news.

OK, I think I’m ready now (puts on safety helmet).  

Sources close to sources with knowledge of the subject have informed me that they have found evidence that former President Barack Obama wiretapped President Donald Trump, or President Cheese Whiz, along with the entire White House. As you may recall, President Dingus recently accused Obama of wiretapping and leaking information to the public in an attempt to smear the good Donald’s name.

It quickly was dismissed by many former members of the Obama administration as false information meant to mislead and distract the public from the alleged Russian connections to President Mermaid Man Look-Alike.

But after speaking to my sources, they informed me that Obama has indeed revealed that he was behind the wiretapping and leaks that seem to be pouring from the White House faster than water flooding Noah’s Ark if I had built it.  

“Alright, fine, I’ll admit it: I tapped the whole damn place,” Obama said as he sank a 15-foot putt for a birdie.

“Joe and I were bored one day in late November and we were like, ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we just did this?’ Good times,” the former president added as he picked up his tee.

The alleged Joe that Obama is presumably alluding to is former Vice President Joe Biden, whom I had difficulty contacting for comment. But after a few phone calls and the deliverance of a $25 Applebee’s gift card, Biden decided to come forward with the information.

“Yeah, I did it, me and Barry love doing this crap for kicks,” Biden said as he flicked the butt of his cigarette. “What the hell you gonna do about it?”

After learning that Trump had become the president-elect, Biden said he and Obama just started doing whatever the hell they wanted.

“Look, me and Barry are like brothers,” Biden said as he gave a noogie and atomic wedgie to Vice President Mike Pence. “You know the movie ‘Step Brothers?’ Yeah, that was based off of us.”

The shocking revelations come at an interesting time for the Trump administration, mostly because this was, like, the first time they were right about anything. I contacted several of my White House sources to get a comment to see if Trump was basking in the glory of finally being right about something.

Luckily, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was available for a brief comment, so I paid a visit to the D.C. version of Mar-a-Lago.  

“The president is absolutely stoked about this news,” Spicer said. “In fact, he’s so excited that he’s taking the next month off, but you wouldn’t know it, because nothing would get done even if he was here.”

That was all the information I could get from Spicer before he heard his favorite type of Purina dog food clink into the bottom of his bowl. Upon hearing the clinking noise, Spicer scampered down the hardwood floor on all fours like a rapid wolf ready to seize its prey.

I followed him to the kitchen, where Trump himself was scratching Spicer behind his ear (that’s his favorite spot), standing in nothing but his white robe made of poached white tiger fur. The president was also holding a bucket of the Colonel’s famous extra-crispy recipe, licking the ends of those abnormally small fingers. My goodness, they’re tiny!

Anyway, I confronted the president about the matter at hand. (See what I did there?)

“Mr. President, any comment on Mr. Obama’s admittance to the wiretapping?” I asked.

“Look, it’s terrific that we finally got a win,” His Orangeness said. “And believe me, this is just the start of the winning because we’re gonna keep winning, but then again, we never stopped winning in the first place.”

After trying to wrap my head around that comment, I left and called it a day. I’m not sure if you feel the same way, but I’m just glad these accusations have finally fostered into some real evidence. President Obama was behind all this. Who knew?

At the end of the day, I’m just glad it was proven true instead of a figment of the president’s imagination or a cheap ploy to distract us from Russia, WikiLeaks or North Korea. That would have been a real shame to learn.

Thankfully, we have a president willing to recognize where the true enemies sleep. Rest assured, I can sleep much more soundly tonight.  

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].