Glenn Beck is an extreme right-wing conservative ideologue and religious luddite that belittles, demeans and bullies all moderates and liberals by sarcastically calling them, respectively, left-wing socialists and Marxist communists. He is an insecure, paranoid neurotic that is unaware that he has accomplished none of the 12 Alcoholics Anonymous steps except for the zeroth step, which is to convert himself from stark raving drunk to stark raving sober. Like all political fearmongers, his seemingly rational conclusions are based upon delusionally false a priori ding-dongery, which preys upon the emotionally crippled and leads him to unbelievable crescendos of irrational babbling. Some of his infantile rants and blubbering cry-fits play like an evolutionary hominid throwback that was probably named nincompoopis dimbulbous pettibrainii.

Like some kind of Antichrist, he peddles hatred in the name of love; divisiveness under the guise of inclusiveness; gun slinging and food-hoarding fear under the rubric of domestic tranquility; spin under the self-contradiction of unspin; bombast, hubris and hyperbole in preference to factual reporting; class slavery under the cloak of financial liberty; military and police control as an alternative to government intrusion; jingoistic rhetoric as the definition of patriotism; conspiracy-theory insanity under a crumpled umbrella of rational thought; and religious bigotry as just plain flat-out religious bigotry. This last item is particularly prickling because he spends the first minute of his show somewhat, kind of, offhand mentioning something akin to ecumenical tolerance, then spends the next two hours and 59 minutes reaming non-Beckian religiosity, particularly Islam, a new anal sphincter. The mental worlds of other people probably wouldn’t seem so pitch-black and stenchful to him if he would just pneumatically expulse his head from his own sigmoid colon, which, incidentally, kind of gives new meaning to the notion of blowing one’s brains out.

One would think that the world might be a better place if he were eradicated, but this is probably not so because his cancerous rants have resulted in 97 percent of Americans refusing to listen to him and getting him thrown off the Fox network for even being too crazy for them — perish the thought. I listen to him regularly because J. E. Hoover advised me to hold my enemies even closer than my friends, and besides, I need to know which products to boycott. Glenn Beck makes me ashamed to have Beck as a part of my own namesake and heritage. Thank the fates that this foul syllable, at least in my case, is preceded by an onomatopoeic phoneme for a full body slam.

In closing, I wish to thank you, Mr. Beck, along with Rush Limbaugh and your tiny armies of socially transmitted media disease copycats, for playing such a big part in helping convince America to defeat Mitt Romney in his bid for the presidency. I am incredibly grateful to all of you for receiving the next four years of not you, not your philosophy and not the opiate of your emotionally and intellectually castrated proselyting acolyte minions. Thank you for using their genitalia as piranha bait, as the song says. I can’t imagine how much it must hurt you to see your best effort go down in a landslide electoral-college defeat by, to put it in your own words, the least popular candidate fielded in your lifetimes.

As I listen to you during these postelection days, all I hear is your arrogant, wound licking excuse that we democratically voting Americans are just a bunch of stupid idiots. Some patriots you are! Politically speaking, you’re not even hacks; you’re quacks. On second thought, it is time for you to go away.

— Gregory Bambeck, Kent