Some claim to “work hard, play harder,” but I am not personally satisfied with making myself sound like that much of a partier. Instead, I call what I do every Thursday through Saturday “social research” in the name of becoming a better . . . writer. After all, how could I advise how NOT to be a shit show if I’m not constantly surrounded by them?

Sometimes, under the influence of research, I get so into the part that I actually become one of them just to fully grasp the concept (still in the name of becoming a better writer). However, no matter how much I immerse myself in the research, I always know the difference between having good-old fun and being plain-old dumb.

There are entirely too many instances of good people having a good time making some not so good decisions and ending up in the opposite of good situations. It’s easy to laugh at the staggering mess getting arrested on College Street, but it’s just as easy to get yourself in trouble ­— especially on Halloween. The high amount of partygoers directly correlates to the increase of legal supervision (POLICE).

So by all means have a ridiculous Halloween, but don’t be dumb. Severe party fouls don’t only get you in trouble, but they usually drag your friends down, too. So for you, your friends and the dignified Kent State student image, follow these rules. That way you’ll never have to explain that underage to anyone in the big, bad, real world.

1)Do not freak out near law enforcement. If you’re closely passing a cop, there are plenty of options. You could smile, but that might be awkward. You could put your head down, but that might be suspicious. You could loudly warn your posse of the officer ahead and LOL at your luck, but don’t. Just keep it cool, and walk on. As long as you are not vomiting, falling over or bludgeoning someone, you should be fine.

2)Do use proper restroom facilities. Fact: We’re all housebroken. Even though there might be a long line and a lack of TP, popping a squat outside is not going to help your situation. Whatever your situation is, exposing it in the great outdoors (or a front yard on University) can get you in a ton of trouble. Be a good kid and go potty in the toilet!

3)Do not declare war. When adding alcohol to people, the equation can sometimes yield a messy fight. Whether the brawl is physical or verbal, it will draw a lot of attention. Like clockwork, someone always cries. Nothing says “arrest me” like a bunch of tear-streaked girls or blood-stained guys. If things get tense, get out.

4)Do keep in mind that you are in costume. For example, dressing up as an NFL player does not mean you are one and can arbitrarily tackle strangers. If you go as Tinkerbell, you do not have the ability to fly. You may think of it as getting into character, but the policeman you arrest because you dressed up as a policeman will not find it acceptable.

5)Do not have an open container. Running across the street to see a longlost BFF might seem innocent, but being underage and flailing a bottle of liquor about is a disastrous mistake. Keep your red cups and/or beer cans inside and out of the front yard. Avoid being caught with your hand in the cookie jar, and don’t cry over spilled milk. In other words, forget about the wasted alcohol, and ditch the drink immediately if threatened.

6)Do limit your PDA. Loud and proud sexual shenanigans are a sure sign of a shit show. While this might not get you in legal trouble, all other kinds of headaches will follow ­— namely, bad reputations. Face it, everyone does it, but no one wants to see other people going at it, especially when your entire social circle is near. If you’re going to be a pig, be a pig in a blanket. Literally.

7)Do not drunk dial. Or text or Tweet or Facebook or Skype. The next morning you’ll be mortified for two reasons: You can’t believe you said that to that person, and you cannot decipher what exactly you were trying to say. Though going through your drunk communications can be funny, it is usually brutally shameful. If your texs looklike thiis and yu are sayng “i <3 you i am drink LMAO” stop ending tects beFhore it too/ late.

8)Do plan out transportation. Nothing good comes out of stumbling home after a long night of partying — especially alone. You might break a heel or even an ankle. There is always the possibility of being mugged, assaulted or being seen by a cop as you try to balance on a sidewalk that won’t stay still. To cut out the option of even considering driving drunk, plan ahead with a kind DD or even a cab. Worse comes to worse, stay put. Nothing is worth putting yourself and others in danger by drunk driving.

9)Do not rage alone. Sometimes it happens to the best of us. Even if you do turn into a shit show, the caliber of sloppiness can be lowered if you have good friends. As much as a drinking buddy is valuable, you also need someone to cut you off, feed you, hydrate you and make sure you don’t do anything you will regret. But remember, you absolutely must return the favor or else you won’t just be a shit show, but a shit friend as well.

10)Do respect your limits. Don’t try to keep up with other people. If one whiff of a Four Lokos is enough to get you feeling fine, then don’t pound shots of 151 just to keep up with the traffic. This especially applies to those who never had a sip of alcohol and have recently been let out of a big cage known as high school. Usually these humiliating cases are the ultimate laughing stock — both male and female.

Contact

Natalie Moses at [email protected].