Unless you are looking to get in the doghouse faster than Kevin James on an episode of “King of Queens,” never joke with a woman about her weight — however well intended you may be. She will be deeply offended 99 percent of the time, and she will probably feel resentment toward you. Even if she’s more ripped than a pair of Miley Cyrus’s jeans, don’t call her fat. Ever. Poke fun at something less offensive instead, like her slight overbite or her awful taste in music.

Manage expectations. Don’t pretend that you really like a girl just because you want to get her in bed. Be honest. If you tell her that you aren’t looking for anything serious or that you don’t want a relationship right now, but still wish to see her, then it’s all on her.

If she sticks around, you still get what you want and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. You’ll be surprised at how many women will respect you for being up-front with your intentions.

Never assume that every woman out there is looking for a relationship, because some enjoy playing the field too. Will this be true every time? Of course not.

Some girls also will only do stuff with a guy who is their boyfriend, but the last thing you want to do is to burn a bridge by leading a girl on and breaking her heart. Don’t make unnecessary enemies by making promises you can’t keep.

Dress and act in a way that automatically attracts what you want, and repels what you don’t want. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, you should wear clothes that will make most good, prude girls snub their noses at you, and attract the promiscuous ones.

We call this “Peacocking:” using a prop that will get you attention from sluts. It could be a shirt, a hat or something that is sexually suggestive. For example: a t-shirt of a rooster with a saddle on it that says “Free Cock Rides” would work as a solid pre-screener.

You don’t even have to put in any work other than walking around a little bit to get noticed. There will be girls at the party, at the bar or in the club who will come up to you and tell you that they like your shirt. Now you’re in, and you will have a good chance of hooking up with them that night, because your shirt didn’t turn them off, it attracted them.

If you’re looking for a good girl to be in a relationship with, you most likely aren’t going to meet her at a party, or at a bar or in a nightclub, so don’t pursue those leads too much. You should be looking to meet her at a church group for college-aged kids, in class, at a charity event or at a university club meeting.

Generally she should be a girl who dresses somewhat conservatively, will always expect you to text her first and won’t let you go very far in the beginning, but that’s okay. If you’re looking for a good girl to be exclusive with, that is exactly what you want.