I would like to start this off by congratulating everyone on his or her survival of one of the most terrifying holidays of the year.

Easter started much like every holiday — a Christian deal. It is intended to mark the resurrection of Jesus Christ after his crucifixion. We observe his resurrection by eating ham and candy at an awkward family dinner.

Nowadays, the only religion behind it is showing up in church hung-over on Easter morning.

And a bunny has replaced Jesus.

I’m not a religious man so I’m not worried about how Christian the holiday stays, I’m more concerned with this bunny thing.

German settlers brought the story of the Easter Bunny to the United States. Easter eggs were introduced centuries before the bunny, which answers the age-old “bunny or egg” question.

The Germans picked the bunny as a symbol of fertility, as they are known for their large litters in the springtime. How that coincides with the resurrection of Jesus Christ is unknown to me. So the Germans went with the easy way out and distracted everyone with candy and presents.

So to sum it up in a more simple way, on Easter a creepy bunny wearing a T-shirt and no pants hides candy in your house while you are sleeping. He also lays eggs or at least really enjoys eggs.

I used to think that I was the only person who realized how terrifying this creature was, but a YouTube video has shown me otherwise. The video shows two kids coloring eggs and being absolutely terrified when the “Easter Bunny” shows up at their window.

This holiday should not be used to force religious ideas on children, but that might be a better idea than ruining their lives with this bunny.

It makes sense that it has come to this. Halloween isn’t about scaring anyone anymore; it’s just about sluts. No complaints by me on that one. It had to be replaced by something though — that’s where the Easter Bunny comes in.

And it can’t even be that the Easter Bunny is unintentionally horrifying either. Bunnies are normally harmless little creatures, nowhere near as terrifying as spiders, octopuses or birds. But you can’t expect a fun-loving animal when you make it 10 times its normal size and give it some terrifying and unforgiving eyes.

If you look past the underlying terror that is the Easter Bunny, not all of Easter is bad. It marks the end of Lent, so you can begin to openly do all of the things you told everyone that you were giving up. You get to eat more than you’re supposed to, and it’s free. You can also go to church for the first time of the year and feel better about yourself.

So if terrifying children is a great pastime, then Easter is the holiday for you.