As many of you have figured out already I’m on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. Team Edward and Team Jacob don’t have anything on Team Sheen.

I’m not going to repeat myself here, because it’s already known that I long for a life like Charlie Sheen’s. A life filled with porn stars and money is really all I need. I’d change my major to Sheenology right now if Lester Lefton approved.

Sheen has been all over the news this past week. He’s been spitting out brilliant quotes to every medium that he can. This has lead to many different t-shirts, posters, and other great memorabilia. Many of which are being shipped to me as you read this.

Sheen also got a twitter account this week, and managed to get over one million followers in under 24 hours. I’m sure not all of the followers are members of Team Sheen, but that’s still an overwhelming number. And he follows around only 20 people, people like his slam piece Bree Olson, P. Diddy, Will Arnett and for some strange reason George Lopez.

Here’s where Sheen’s brilliance shines through once again. He’s on pace to make over one million dollars this year based solely on twitter advertising. That’s more than Kim Kardashian’s ass makes. And now that he’s off drugs, I can’t begin to imagine what awesome things he’ll buy with this money.

One thing that has been blowing my mind is the fact that Sheen’s addiction is working backwards. Back when he was banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them, he was loved everywhere by middle-aged women. Now he’s sober and everyone thinks he’s crazy. That/Users/admin/Desktop/LUSK.jpg’s not setting a good example, America.

And while he was making everyone else look like droopy-eyed armless children, he was on one of the most successful sitcoms of our time. But then he closed his eyes and cured himself in a nanosecond, and cancelled the show in the process.

Ok, I know the show isn’t permanently cancelled. However, in a vanity card on Monday, Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre made it pretty clear that he does not want to work with Sheen anymore.

“Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”

Here’s where I start to get excited about Sheen’s recent meltdown. If Lorre quit Two and a Half Men then maybe the show will start to be interesting. Someone new could come in and have Sheen’s character be even more openly based on Sheen. He could be sleeping with porn stars and doing lines while Jon Cryer and that little kid throw around some cheap puns. I’d watch that.

I might be late saying it, but I’m worried about Sheen. Not worried in the same sense as the rest of America was a few weeks ago. Ever since you’ve gotten off drugs you haven’t been yourself. You’re always off rambling on about DNA or F-18’s. You never seem to have time to spend with Bree Olson. So order another briefcase and keep doing things the right way.

Winning CBS. Winning Twitter. Winning Drug Tests. Winning America.