This just in: A homeless alcoholic spends his newfound fortune on booze!

I’m sure you have all seen the video of Ted Williams, the Golden-Voiced Hobo. He is a homeless man from Columbus who went to college for radio and soon after ruined his life with “alcohol, drugs and a few other things.”

Williams did what any sensible addict does, and started offering to say things for money. A worker at the Columbus Dispatch discovered Williams’ talent and shared it with the world on YouTube. And it’s been smooth sailing since — well sort of.

After the video got popular he started making appearances on the Today Show. They gave him a nice Obama haircut and just let the jobs roll in. He made a commercial as the voice of Kraft; he even got offered the job to be voice of the Cleveland Cavaliers. But you can’t bounce back like this without getting that dreadful offer to appear on the Dr. Phil show.

Now, this is where things started to fall back into place. He gets a little cash, has a few drinks, and fights with his family. This leads to his daughter reporting to the press that he started drinking again, and he lands himself in rehab. I’m sure his daughter was just trying to get her own paper by selling this information to the press, but that’s beside the point.

His daughter claimed that he was drinking a bottle of Grey Goose every night. We already know you have money Ted Williams; you don’t have to rub it in our faces by drinking that stuff. And besides I’ll buy you a bottle of Cristal if you record my voicemail message for me.

Also, drinking an entire bottle of vodka is a completely reasonable thing to do before going on the Dr. Phil show. That’s the only way I could handle talking to that bald idiot.

So now America finds out that their beloved homeless man is not who they thought he was. I guess giving the addict a second chance didn’t work out. I’m here to help you through this breakup though.

He wasn’t worth it. There are better homeless people out there. For example, Homeless Mustard, have you seen this guy? He’s the one who should be winning a homeless Grammy for that voice.

He treated you horribly. You gave him shelter and a second chance, and he threw it all away.

He didn’t deserve you. He looked like a crossbreed of Obama and Seabiscuit. And he looked fat in those 5 coats.

It’s time to move on.

Dylan Lusk is a sophomore electronic media production major, and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. You can reach him at [email protected] .