If you aren’t wearing green today, I hope I see you so I can pinch you.

It’s that time of year again where people pretend to honor a culture by binge drinking and pinching people.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

I could discuss the historical ties to the holiday so dear to the hearts of many, but half of the campus is either “wasted” or counting down the hours until they are wasted, so I won’t bother because this print is already blurry to that portion of the population.

With so many inebriated students walking around Kent today, and the sober students mad they have obligations stopping them from inebriation, I thought it would be appropriate to suggest some good luck charms that come readymade at Kent State. This way, you can keep yourself safe, as the whole country destroys itself in the name of alcohol, the color green and Irish people.

With that, I give you my unofficial guide to a lucky Saint Patrick’s Day, Kent style. Here are “me lucky charms.”

*Squirrels- Squirrels are the rodent-like guardian angels of students here. So on this Saint Patrick’s Day, why not grab one of those little guys and take them for a walk around town? If they are cool enough to get recognized in the name of the campus radio station and avoid the thousands of lunatic drivers around campus, they must be lucky, right?

*Rainbows- Everyone knows there is supposed to be something at the end of a rainbow, especially on Saint Patrick’s Day. My suggestion is to chase a rainbow somewhere on campus, and you may just find good luck. The only catch is that the pot of gold may no longer be at the end of the rainbow. I’m pretty sure some administrative leprechauns took the students’ gold and made creepy, life-sized signs with it. And you thought those large eyesores were part of renovations. They were really part of a leprechaun heist. Shame on you. Rather, shamrock on you.

*A flash foot- Who needs a lucky rabbit’s foot when you go to Kent State? Why not carry around a “Flash foot” instead. First, figure out what a “Flash” really is. (Ladies and gents, please keep your tops on). Then, take the flash, remove one of its claws, and wear it around your neck for good luck. People may be alarmed that you are wearing the claw of a wild species around your neck. But hey, you’ve got school spirit and the luck of the Irish, so who cares?

*A leprechaun – If none of the above work out for you, I would suggest extending the invitation to President Lefton to dress like a leprechaun and walk around campus with you. I’m not sure it would be very good luck, but it would definitely scare anyone within 10 feet of you and give you terrifying memories for years to come. He might even tell you where you can find that pot of gold.

Disclaimer: There were no real squirrels, eagles or administrators actually captured and/or harmed because of this column.

Marchae Grair is a senior electronic media management major and columnist for The Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].