Hey America, it’s me, Garrison. Congratulations on finally making it half way to a civilized country’s health insurance system. I know this whole thing has its flaws, but you know, I’m cool with that. I’m pretty sure I can put up with being forced to provide myself with some form of insurance. After all, it’s not half as bad as being forced to limp on one foot for a week because I’m too broke to see a doctor.

This is pretty big achievement, America, but I do know that a lot of people are a little pissed off about it. They’re all bad-mouthing health care, talking about how our country is “screwed” or turning into a “socialist” state or some crap like that. But hey, don’t sweat it, America. These are just those “glass half empty” kind of people.

The moody gloomy type, always desperate for an excuse to say the worst is yet to come. They probably think the world’s going to end in 2012 anyway. And the whole socialist banter? Some of the people with that rally cry don’t even know the difference between socialism and communism, or what either actually is.

Even with staunch opposition calling this bill unconstitutional and saying we’re teetering toward tyranny, I’m sure you can endure some criticism like this again. We’ve heard this garbage before. Paranoid minimal government types have been warning about the coming dictatorship since the Civil War. And look, we’re still here, and I feel pretty free and liberated compared to someone of my stature in almost every past society on Earth. My autonomy is, indeed, still intact. I mean, if we survived the New Deal 80 years ago, this thing should be a breeze.

And for those arguing that you’re economically screwed, well, no offense, but I think you already crossed the line on that one. They’re just looking for more excuses to blame the president for … everything. This endeavor probably won’t make matters a whole lot worse, so go easy on ‘em.

As for those people marching on Capitol Hill, ranting about you killing off the old people, killing babies and hailing Satan, they just listen to way too much Rush Limbaugh and still have a bone to pick about a black dude sitting in the Oval Office. If I were you, I’d try to only listen to people who actually read stuff for themselves. You can let everyone else follow Limbaugh to Costa Rica.

But anyway, at least you’re not totally taking over the insurance market. For real. Even I might be against that move. Given your decision-making skills in regards to the last half century’s worth of foreign affairs, the bailout of failing banks filled to the brim with lying scoundrels and your general shrugging of the shoulders when it comes to anything environmental, you leave me cynical. No offense, America, but I don’t trust you that much.

These subsidies to help afford a basic right are good enough, I guess. Sure would be nice if you could just mass produce an immunity pill that cures everything. You know, something that regenerates and fixes cells and muscle tissue within microseconds, thus eliminating cancer and lost appendages. But hey, I’ll leave that one to future generations.

Oh, and that 10 percent tax on indoor tanning services? Mad props on that one. I think if a woman (or a man, to be fair) really wants to look frighteningly orange and destroy perfectly good skin tissue, he or she ought to pay extra in order to look that gross. Just saying.

America, seriously, I’m surprised. I really didn’t think you’d actually get your act together and make this health care thing happen. That president of yours must be good for something, if at least being coherent enough in speech in order for people to pay attention.

So lastly, I’d like to leave on this note: Don’t screw up. I know, America, you have a fine reputation for doing so. (See: Deregulation, Funding the Taliban, the Trail of Tears, slavery.) But that’s all behind us now, I hope. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this brand spanking new reform, for whatever reason, so don’t prove me wrong.

Sincerely,

Garrison Ebie

Garrison Ebie is a senior electronic media major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him

at [email protected].