Doomsday truths revealed!

Brothers! Sisters! Comrades and countrymen! Now is the time we begin preparing ourselves for the end!

This is a call to arms for the defense of humanity. I have come to know the real truth about the end of days, and it is my wish to share what I have seen, oh brothers and sisters, in the hopes that the world as we know it and the dignity of its people will be preserved!

Many of you have been led to believe that the world will end in 2012, and while I mean no disrespect to the wisdom of the Mayans, I have to disagree. The Mayans knew nothing of our big-eared enemy and his slowly thawing creator.

For the end of days is slated for the Year of our Lord, 2023.

It is in 2023 that Goofy will don military fatigues and thaw Walt Disney’s frozen body with the flamethrower he will later turn on our children for brandishing his image.

Why?

The Walt Disney Company loses its copyright on Mickey Mouse in 2023, and subsequently will lose Donald Duck, Goofy, Pluto and all your lovable pals in the following years.

The original copyright was set to expire in 2003, but after furious lobbying by Disney, the Copyright Term Extension Act of 1998 was extended by 20 years.

The regenerated corpse of Walt Disney will not allow this! For we must turn our attention back some 70 years to a cartoon made for The Walt Disney Company, a poor bastard named Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, a cog in a battle of wits between Disney and Universal Studios, which left Walt Disney spurned by his animation staff after they were bought out.

The Walt Disney Company, relentless in its pursuit of the rights to a cartoon so egregiously taken from it, traded beloved sportscaster Al Michaels to Universal’s NBC network for the rights to Oswald. Oh, you are a lucky rabbit indeed!

Friends, is not even the career of Al Michaels worth the rights to a cartoon? We may no longer watch Monday Night Football in clear conscience!

The thawed Walt Disney will stop at nothing to achieve unity under Disneyism in his new Magic Kingdom, for it was he who helped found the Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals to expose communists during the Cold War, and he will stop at nothing to suppress our dissent!

As the Mouse of legend enters the public domain, companies will salivate at the opportunity to use his likeness for capitalist endeavors.

I can see it now.

Come! Get your Mickey Mouse dildos complete with ears! It even hums your favorite tunes from “Fantasia” as it stimulates! (Also included: Wizard hat warming sleeve for extra sensation.)

Donald Duck will behead people in souvenir Disneyland T-shirts. Minnie Mouse will seduce our leaders, only to assassinate them in a moment of passion. Dumbo will drop cluster bombs on our city streets from above. The Anaheim Ducks will smash store windows with hockey sticks.

Woody will poison the water holes and Buzz Lightyear will assemble a new base of operations for Star Command on the moon and launch intergalactic missile attacks around the clock, exceeding the explosive tonnage of that dropped on London, Cambodia and Baghdad combined.

Radio Disney will pump propaganda continuously in our homes and public theaters by way of forcefully installed loudspeakers: “Attention! Attention! The recitation of today’s official musical number will be performed at 17:00 hours, an hour later than usual, in observance of the terrible accident involving the plane from Tale Spin. Also, a small group of dissenters led by The Rescuers was eliminated today outside a Disney Store in Grandville, Mich., by joint ABC/ESPN forces led by Skip Bayless. Long live Disney! Long live the Magic Kingdom!”

To those comrades in Orlando and Los Angeles, I say resist the occupation! Our brothers and sisters at Disneyland Paris and Hong Kong Disney Resort must know your resolve.

2023 will truly be a turbulent, perhaps cataclysmic, year.

You have been warned! The time for preparation is at hand!

Nick Baker is a senior magazine journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected]