Guess what? This is most likely one of the last times you’ll see my face in the paper. I’m done writing my weekly humor column for the Stater. Life is getting busier, and I had to prioritize.

I figured I’d leave you all with a list of funny things to remember now that I won’t be here once a week to remind you to laugh. I’d also like to address responses I’ve received for a few columns I’ve written. A quick note to anyone who hated this column: You hurt my feelings, and I wish you a lifetime of hangnails and razor burn.

&bull Snot, vomit, fecal matter: It’s all funny stuff. Talk about it at dinner. What’s the big deal?

&bull Animal abuse is not funny, but the people who thought I was serious in that column are laughable.

&bull I’m sorry I joked about hockey in my third column for the Stater. I had no idea hockey fans didn’t have a sense of humor. It will never happen again.

&bull I’ve been a walker, a bus rider, a biker and a driver on this campus. They all suck, but biking is the worst mode of transportation by far and for the following reasons: sweaty armpits, bad hair, moving through crowds and sweaty armpits.

&bull To the people who thought my column about letting squirrels into the dorms was absolute crap, I want to say that you are all heartless. If you wanted to spend the winter in a squirrel’s nest on this campus, he or she would welcome you with open arms.

&bull Opening other people’s mail is a federal offense. If you don’t want me to commit a federal offense with your mail, make sure it gets sent to your apartment.

&bull To the people who read my Point/Counter Point column with Ron Soltys and said I was a disgrace to women, Midol will help with those cramps you’re feeling. If we proved any stereotype with women in that column, it was that they can’t take a joke.

&bull I still highly recommend “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating,” by Dr. Judy Kuriansky. It is extremely informative for anyone who is stuck in the ’80s and still thinks guys look rad in black jeans and a black T-shirt.

&bull Awkward situations are awful. They’re painful, but they make the best stories.

&bull Don’t talk to people in the bathrooms. Don’t do it if it’s your teacher, your classmate, your best friend or even a blood relative. Bathrooms are for excreting waste.

&bull The best practice for dealing with illness or injury is to deny pain. Avoid visiting doctors and dentists, as they usually try to diagnose you. Instead, visit WebMD and start building your coffin.

&bull Most funny things are compounded with the presence of alcohol or other such substances. Use such substances at your own risk. If you don’t drink, try laying on your stomach while laughing. You’ll laugh harder. Also, laughing while your chest is full of phlegm makes it sound like you’re laughing a lot harder than you really are. Laugh less frequently when you are sick in order to avoid sounding too enthusiastic.

&bull Sitting at the kid table at holidays is a blast, but don’t tell your family that.

It was a pleasure writing this column for the Stater. I hope one of you will miss reading my column as much as I’ll miss writing it.

Kristine Gill is a newspaper journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at at [email protected].